Life is Like... Cheering for Everyone's Team

My younger son, B, loves sports. Being born into a family who isn't overly involved in sports has come as a grave disappointment to him, but we're all learning to cope. I simply prefer to cope with a hand full of chocolate.

In seventh grade B decided to try wrestling. I have no idea what that must have been like as an actual participant, but as a parent it was excruciating. I have never wanted to jump up from a bleacher, run down to the floor, and pull the hair of some unsuspecting fellow athlete in my entire life! All so he would just leave my son alone!

Fortunately I was able to temper those natural mama-bear instincts. Even more fortunately B decided against continuing on for another year. Instead we tried basketball.

From the parental point of view, basketball was a refreshing change. I didn't have to watch as my son was contorted into unnatural positions and was able to keep my inner beast under control. The only problem with basketball is B hadn't been playing it since he was in the womb. While other young men whose fathers had coached them since the dawn of time dribbled the ball up and down the court with the ease of the NBA, my son was learning how to play with others. It's easy to keep the ball from being stolen when no one else is there to steal it.

Basketball lasted a little more than a year before he decided it was fun when with friends, but it definitely wasn't something he wanted to continue. His latest venture is track. There are two different types of runners in track: sprinters and long distance. The first year he joined B decided to be a sprinter.

Being a sprinter entails running your absolute hardest in the shortest time possible. For me to understand the desire to make this happen I imagine a group of people being chased by a mountain lion, but if I make it to the goal first I won't get eaten. Just don't ask me why the mountain lion no longer hungers for me once I've crossed the finish line.

Sprinting wasn't B's absolute favorite, especially on the shorter races. The longer races seemed to be a better fit (like once or twice around the track). He did well, but suffered from shin splints.

During the summer one friend talked him into trying cross country running. He enjoyed it enough to decide on abandoning the sprinters and joining the long distance runners in track this year (and yes, there IS a difference between cross country and track). This is where we get in to the best part of our post.

There is a mentally handicapped young man on the team this year. He wanted to join the same team as his big brother, a senior this year. The young man obviously can't run the long distances, but that hasn't stopped him from running. His event is the 100 meter dash.

The team has had about 5 track meets this year, and in every single one I have seen something that makes my heart absolutely sing. Our sweetheart of a young man stands ready at the starting line, grinning from ear to ear in anticipation of running another successful race. The official raises his hand while the other runners get into position, and then BANG! the gun goes off.

Lanes two through eight are quickly emptied as the other runners have crossed the finish line in mere seconds, while our young man pumps his legs as fast as they will allow. Along the way are each of his other teammates who are clapping and cheering him on every step of the way. Interspersed we see members of the other teams who begin to do the same. They pump their fists in the air, cheer at the top of their lungs, clap their hands to give encouragement. And the farther down the lane he goes, the louder they get, until a massive yell of triumph comes from the lungs of every person there. Parents and students alike from three different schools all come together to cheer for and encourage one young man.

It's pretty awesome.

Sometimes life is like finding a moment to cheer for every one's team. We tend to get separated into various groups whether at school, at work, at home, at church, whatever. Groups can easily get competitive, and if we're not careful, competitive can turn ugly. But every once in a while there's someone who is able to erase boundaries, make us look a little deeper within, and remember we're all on the same course in life, whether we realize it or not in the daily grind of living.

The Impressions We Leave Behind

This weekend, being the LDS Church's annual General Conference, is one of the busiest for my husband. He helps to cook the food for all the Church leaders who meet to speak and teach, for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir who performs, and for the audio/visual and security and all the others who work behind the scenes for two incredibly busy days.

That's a whole lot of people to feed.

Some people volunteer to be on the serving lines and help to clean up. One such woman took a look at my husband as he made the rounds and said, "I just love your wife." He had never met this woman before and couldn't understand how she knew we were married.

Come to find out she was a friend of mine from high school. We latched on to one another early on in our Freshman year. I remember loving her long, blond hair and bubbly laugh. I remember us walking down the hall one day and saying in a seriously cheesy teenage tone, "Hi Jared" to a boy we both thought was cute. I remember laughter and tears, and most of all love.

When my husband asked what I was like in high school, I don't think she could recall much more than I did, only to say, "I just know when she was around everything was happier. She made life fun." My friend also remembered me being there while her parents were going through a divorce.

Those words of hers meant a lot to me, especially as I've been doing some serious soul-searching the last few weeks. Being a Relief Society President in a ward (basically the leader over the women of our local congregation) requires things, and some of those things do not come naturally. For me, it's getting out of my house and going visiting. Some of you may think, "That's not so hard." Others (fellow introverts unite!) may be mentally patting me on the back in understanding.

There is a huge emotional block when it comes to placing myself in the personal space of others. I begin to psych myself out with thoughts of people not wanting me to visit them, to call, to ask about their personal life. Yet common sense tells me that's exactly where I am supposed to go and what I am supposed to do. I watch as my counselors are easily able to accomplish precisely what I am so unwilling to do, and then begin chastising myself for not being like them.

During the different General Conference sessions the last two days, I have been given insight into what I need to do in order to overcome this. The answers came from three different speakers, but the messages all came together for me.

1. Look up. When I am busy hanging my head in fear and disappointment in myself, look up. Therein lies the Light of Christ. Therein sits the goal of who I want to become and what Heavenly Father needs me to be. I must look up in order to get up and move forward.

2. Stretch a little farther. Just as the woman with an issue of blood had to stretch in order to touch the hem of the Savior in full faith that she would be healed, I need to stretch a little farther to fulfill my calling of looking after the sisters of the ward. The Savior will reach out to help me along that path, but I also have to reach out to Him, knowing He will help me push past this block.

3. Fear and faith cannot reside side-by-side. I know this. I really do know this, and I am getting better at putting aside fear and stepping forward in faith. It is simply time for me to put into practice the things I know. Fear is crippling, and for some reason it runs deep through the lines of my father's family. Breaking the chains takes putting faith into action.

4. I am not meant to be the leaders before me. It's one of the hardest things for any leader to shake off - the ghosts of those who came before. Relief Society leaders hold this position for about 3 years, sometimes more or less. When I look into the room on Sunday it is filled with women who have been where I now stand, and I cannot imagine how I am supposed to live up to their legacies. Today I was told I don't have to. I have my own purpose, and it is to love in the best ways I know how.

I thought about the impressions I left with this friend of mine from over 20 years ago, just as she left her impressions with me. I began to think about what sort of impressions I want to leave with the sisters, and I decided that if I can leave them with similar feelings as I did with my friend, then I have done good. This means make them laugh, let them think of love, and be there when they need a shoulder to cry on.

Two Years and a Lot of Changes

It's been almost two whole years since the beginning of another new journey, one that has taken me down roads I never thought I'd travel. One thing I discovered about getting rid of false ideals that have taken years to pile on, they don't disappear in one go. As I peeled off a few layers of lies, the forgotten truths that first created those lies reared up biting.

WARNING: If any of you find child abuse to be a trigger, please don't keep reading. Please.

It was the same night that I wrote about in my last post. I was still flying high from the peace I felt when I went to bed. I have always been a side or stomach sleeper. Always. Laying on my back, even in the dentist's chair, makes me dizzy and sick to my stomach. That night I happened to think about this silly fact when these words popped into my mind: "Maybe I can't sleep on my back because I couldn't breathe when he would lay on me." Just like that I couldn't breathe. Just like that I was curled up in a ball biting back sobs so I wouldn't wake my husband.

When I gained enough control over myself I crept into the living room to sit on the floor, rock, cry, and pray. I don't know how long I was there. It doesn't really matter. The next day was Sunday. The moment I was able to get a hold of my husband and my bishop at the church building I asked for a blessing. I was numb for a good while.

The next night I sat on our back porch, grateful the kids were gone that evening to various friends' houses. Instead of putting down negative thoughts about myself I began a tirade of angry words at this man (a neighbor). I filled pages and pages until I couldn't write much more. The words most penned - I was just a little girl.

At last I ran out of steam, no more room to be angry...for the moment. It was then more words came to my mind. Be gentle. You have no idea how he was abused as a child. Though I cannot explain it, I knew with absolute certainty that whatever he had done to me and other children in our neighborhood was nothing compared to what his own father had done to him over years and years. This knowledge was placed into my head because in that moment I had a choice. I could either choose to dwell in the misery and anger this new found truth brought, or I could choose to forgive with the understanding that even as it would set me free, one day this man would have a reckoning with his Savior.

Being who I am, I chose forgiveness. What surprised me was the healing it brought when it came to how I thought of myself. I had spent years trying to understand why I always felt like a dirty, sinful creature. I would mentally beat myself up for things I didn't even understand. There was this lie so deeply etched in my child's mind that if something was wrong I couldn't tell anyone. Especially my parents, because my parents would be so mad at me. Looking back on my life, on the things I kept reprimanding myself for, they were due to the false beliefs this man forced on me. I didn't want to live those lies any more.

One day during that week I took some time and attended one of our temples. I prayed. Oh how I prayed. Near the end of my time there an answer came in the form of a scripture:

"That ye might be sanctified from all sin."

To be sanctified means to be cleansed, not only just the body but the spirit as well. If I was to move forward and find happiness and light and become the person my Heavenly Father saw, I needed to be cleansed in both body and spirit. That is what I worked on for a good year.

Memories popped up now and again. Some were horrific, others were fairly benign. Yet they each held the emotions of that little girl as she experienced them. I dealt with panic attacks, yet was blessed that I was still able to work through it all. I received counseling from a man who was definitely guided by the Spirit as to how to help me best.

I have to credit my amazing parents. They had no idea what was going on, but they gave me a home full of love and the gospel of Jesus Christ. I was safe there. I have no doubt that made all the difference.

Since that time other major changes happened, changes that needed me to be much more whole. Our ward (local congregation) and another ward that meets in our same building had both been struggling for years for enough people to fulfill the necessary positions. Church officials on a higher level counseled together and decided to combine our congregations. When our new bishop was called, he asked me to be the Relief Society President - I was now to watch over more than 300 women in our new ward. I have two counselors and a secretary with whom I work.

Yet I still feel as though I'm not enough. I can't seem to get to everybody to talk and chat and visit with. In the almost one year we've been together my presidency and others have overseen more than 14 funeral luncheons. Being a part-time worker and a full time wife and mom doesn't leave a ton of time to do everything I want to do, and I can feel those ugly lies trying to take hold again.

If I had not been awakened to what happened all those years ago, if I had not let go of all those lies, my ability to function in this position would have had me drowning. Instead I am treading water with a life jacket on. My Savior will not let me drown.

It's been two years since I last wrote, but it's been an amazing two years.

Day 2 of The Negative Thought Purge

Yesterday I went to see Sue, though not for me. This was the second visit for my daughter, M, who is also in need of some healing of the mind, body and spirit. I was definitely meant to be there with them both, as things took place to make a major shift in my knowledge of what's going on in my family. It also lead me to understand more the power of forgiveness. More on that later.

After last night's purge I felt better than the day before. So much so that when I sat down to write my negative thoughts it was difficult to come up with them. Instead of having a bunch of murky, nasty, vindictive, untrue statements flow easily from my mind I found myself feeling more contemplative. The bad beliefs went deeper and were harder to come up with. Why?

I truly believe it's because under the surface of all that negativity I had to fight to find the lies. Truth is beginning to resurface. There is the Light of Christ shining through again, though there is a lot of work yet to be done and a lot more healing to experience.

The first day I managed to fill almost all three pages. This time around I barely managed a page and a half. I probably could have done more but my spirit was too busy being filled with the beauty of watching the clouds roll quickly across the sky, flowing from one vibrant color to another as the sun settled behind the western mountains.I believe when I prayed for all the empty spots that had been occupied with the icky, murky, nasty thoughts that had taken root to instead be filled with peace, there was nowhere for nastiness to settle back in.

The peace and love of our Savior is truly incredible.

The overlying feeling left with my spirit was one of forgiveness. Forgiveness of others and of myself. So long as I held on to all of those negative beliefs there was no way I could forgive anyone, least of all imperfect me. If I can't forgive myself how can I possibly forgive others?

Forgiveness is freeing. It lightens the soul and gives room for peace. The natural man doesn't want to forgive. It wants to hold tight to grievances and grudges. That's not how the Savior works. He doesn't want to see us live that way. He wants us to be happy, even if we don't believe we can ever experience it, or deserve it.

Challenge for day 2 of your negative thought purge. After you've written down all of those negative thoughts for a second day in a row, pray for the spaces to be filled with peace and forgiveness. Even if you can't believe it'll make a difference, trust in the Savior.

The Power of a Thought

In the last few weeks I've started to visit with an energy healer. I won't go into why at the moment, but yesterday's visit got me thinking about the power of thoughts.

Sue, my practitioner, told me it takes just as much energy to think of something positive as it does to think of something negative. Yet we always tend to gravitate toward thinking negatively, especially about ourselves. As I pondered this thought, I realized just how damaging or healing that one choice can be: will I tell myself something negative or something positive?

I hold deep within my mind and heart a lot - and I really do mean a LOT - of negative beliefs about myself. They all run along the lines of not being enough. For anyone. I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, serious enough, rich enough, poor enough, outgoing enough, quiet enough, loud enough, fast enough, thin enough, social enough, religious enough, service-oriented enough, energetic enough...and the list goes on and on. Because of all these negative thoughts I've told myself and allowed others to tell me and convinced myself it's what people were saying to/about me I no longer exist. Not as I once was.

With every negative thought I gave away a tiny slice of my personal power. I now feel broken in my spirit, my mind and my body. I don't even believe I'm worth putting back together - and that's a very difficult thing to admit, because I thoroughly believe everyone else in this world is worth fixing. So why not me?

Sue gave me some homework for the next seven days. I am to find a quiet spot, I am to start with a prayer, and then I am to take three blank pages and begin writing down every negative belief I have about myself. Not holding back. Just let it all out. When I was done I was NOT to go back and reread it, but to crumple it up and either burn the pages or throw them away. After those seven days I am supposed to do the opposite. I am to take three blank pages and begin writing down every positive thing about myself - even if I don't necessarily believe it. I can write things others have said about me if I can't think of anything myself, just as long as they are positive I AM statements.

I began my first list of negative things tonight. To be honest I didn't think I'd be able to write much. Once the words got going I couldn't stop. I had no idea I believed so many bad things about myself!  After half an hour my mind was exhausted. I had filled up a lot more of those three pages than I thought I could, and I felt...better. It was as though a huge weight had been lifted off my heart. As I'd been instructed I didn't read over what I'd written. Instead the papers were promptly crumpled up and I threw them away. Since my mind felt empty of all negativity I figured it might be a good idea to finish the assignment with a prayer, asking only for the empty spots to be filled with peace.

I cried through most of that purge. It was interesting to see which thoughts caused me the most pain to write. Those thoughts, those beliefs about myself, they were the most telling. It's taken many years of negative thinking for me to get this bad, therefore I know it will take quite some time to reverse the damage done. Right now my biggest hope is to feel as though I am worth fixing - feel this so intensely I actually believe it! So that when I wake up in the morning telling myself I can and will live life in abundance it won't feel like a lie.

Thoughts are powerful. They can make or break a person. Consider what you tell yourself every day. One of the happiest and loveliest women I know weighs over 300 pounds, but constantly tells herself how awesome she is - AND SHE IS!!! She truly believes it and after being told so many times over, we all believe it too.

The next time you feel as though you are drowning in negative thoughts, I encourage you to write them all down. Purge your mind of them. Then throw the papers away. Pray for peace to fill those empty spaces and begin trading those negative thoughts for positive. I'd love to hear how it changes your own lives!

Stay Strong and Carry On: Maile Tua'one

She's the girl on the very left. Do you see her? Of course you do. You can't help yourself. There's something in the way she smiles, a secret kept in the corner of her gorgeous eyes that makes you wish you knew what she knew.

"Go ahead and take my picture," she says, a half-laugh on her lips. "See me," she says, even though the photos are a mere echo of the beauty that sits before you. "Love me," she whispers, not a command, but rather an invitation, as though in those two words a world of unbelievable joy can be opened up before your own eyes. A world you would never have seen or felt without her. "Let me love you," she breathes, and in that one breath you know that being loved by Maile will be one of the greatest blessings of your life.

 The last time I really got to see Maile Tua'one, see her, laugh with her, love her, was at our church Christmas party in early December. She and a cousin were playing the part of the most gorgeous Santa Helpers of all time and I had the chance to MC the night. For those who knew Maile it will come as no surprise that she made the night fun. She made it magical. She brought laughter and love to the evening.

Maile died this last Sunday, late in the night. She was with a friend when her car ended up with a flat tire. Her friend got out to change the tire and she stood by his side the entire time. Which was just like her. She was always by your side. Watching over you. Watching with you. Giving very unhelpful pointers but making you love every word of advice.


 When Maile loved - and she loved everyone!...almost - it was with her whole heart. She was a little girl in a woman's body. Very little made her more happy than to dress up in her "real clothes", her Princess clothes.

And if she could find other little girls play princess with her, well, all the better. Because in those few moments shared Maile could explain to each and every little girl that they too were real-life princesses, pretending to be "regular people" in life so everyone else wouldn't have to be too jealous. In her eyes every girl deserved to be treated like royalty, and expected the men in her life to act accordingly. More often than not, they did.



Maile had the heart of an artist. One small doodle turned into a masterpiece. She lived life. She loved life. She was terrified of life. She saw it in vivid color, every swirl, every detail, down to the little things the rest of us take for granted. When we would try to go from point A to point B we knew we'd meet her there, but that she'd be five hours later. Why? Because our straight line was nothing like for her. The twists and turns and stops along the way made the way sweeter, made it worth every moment in her goal to reach B. Only B wasn't her ultimate goal - enjoying the ride, that's what mattered.

"trapped like a bird in the chaos of her own mind. inspiration strikes randomly when contemplating certain people and ideas I can't seem to escape from. I may not know what I'm doing most of the time but I sure do make it look good" ~ Maile Tua'one

Look at those eyes. Look at that half-smile. She knew what it meant to embrace everything good in this life. She's been taken from us here on earth, but her soul is flying now. Higher than she's ever gone before. She's still loving us, as we're still loving her, only she's gone on to love so many more, hand-in-hand with her daddy. Gonna miss you Miss Miles. There is no one else in this world like you. Stop by and visit every once in a while, but be the best missionary you can be on the other side.

Stay Strong and Carry On

Words she shared.

Words she lived.

The Value of a Dollar Earned

Our boys came to us about two weeks ago begging for a game. They really, really, really, REALLY wanted this game. Would we buy it for them? Pretty, pretty please?

The irony here is we've been talking about needing to cut back on a lot of stuff to get certain debts paid off. We're not rich, by any means. We don't spend an awful lot of money. But due to not enough income to supplement the inflation in prices, as well as several emergencies that have required the use of a dreaded credit card,  we're not doing as well as we have in the past. So looking into the faces of our two little boys who really, honestly thought we'd just buy them a new game was a wake up call in our need to help our own kids realize money is not always there whenever we need something.

A plan was devised to help them earn some money. The car needed a good cleaning both inside and out. There was a flower bed in desperate need of weeding. the pantry needed a thorough examination to see what had expired, what would expire soon, and what would last us a while longer. We agreed on a price for each job. These jobs plus a few others would help them to pay for their own game.

At first the boys were all excited. Halfway through the weeding job their excitement waned, especially when friends came over hoping for someone to play with, but they plodded on. Halfway through cleaning the car Mr. B was disheartened to hear about all the little places they needed to get in and dejunk, but he hitched up his shorts and kept going. I could hardly believe the commitment these two young boys had in regards to earning the money for something they really wanted.

When the pantry job remained Mr. J was called away to participate with a scouting event. I thought this might keep them from finishing with the pantry this week, but Mr. B surprised me by tackling this all on his own. He rocked it! I couldn't have been prouder to see him figuring out what could stay and what needed to go (though I have a feeling many things that could have stayed now reside in the garbage can).

I have paid my boys for these jobs. Someone will be paying them to keep watch over their house while they go on vacation.  It has been awesome to see their dedication to doing a job well done. On a whim I thought I should try looking on Amazon for the game. Not only did I find it for half off, but we found two controllers for a discounted price as well, something they eventually also hoped to earn money for. Their excitement over getting both put them over the moon!

I told them two things had to happen before they got their game and controllers. First, they had to pay tithing. Second, they had to pay me for the "merchandise."

Tithing is really important to me. I have seen the blessings that have come from returning to the Lord 10% of what we have been blessed with. Tithing is the first thing out of our paycheck. I want my kids to have that same reverence and respect for what they have also been blessed with. We have gone over exactly how much they'll need to pay, and both are so happy to do it.

I want them to pay me the money so that they can see this is not just something I did for them. This is something they accomplished though their own hard work.

Ms. M has had a babysitting job for the last two weeks. She works with a friend Thursday and Friday from nine to five watching a couple of kids. It's not an easy job, but she's very proud of what she's accomplishing, of the responsibility being handed to her. She too knows tithing is important, and is also planning to get many of her own school things so we don't have to.

The last unexpected blessing has been in seeing our littlest want to earn some money as well. Her skills are limited, and she wants to give up mighty quick. It's taken a lot of prodding to make certain she does the job she's been assigned, and does it well. We want to see her recognize even this early what it means to do a job well done, to know what it means to earn an honest dollar.

Today the boys' game arrived. Their faces as money was traded for the merchandise was awesome to behold. This was in every way their game! I may never get my living room back, but it's been worth it.

One last unexpected bonus: this week Mr. J was helping me with the grocery shopping. We were in a crunch for time and by the time we got home from the store and brought the groceries in the house I was desperate for a shower. "Mom," he said, "you go ahead and take a shower. I'll put everything away." "Are you sure?" I asked, both surprised and delighted by his offer. "Sure," he said with a shrug. I got in my shower, and he put the groceries away. A little act of service from a boy who'd been working hard all week. LOVE IT!!!

My Diet Coke Conundrum

According to Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, the definition of conundrum is as follows: a riddle whose answer is or involves a pun; a question or problem having only a conjectural answer; an intricate and difficult problem.

After looking up the term 'conjectural' (fancy word for best guess) I've decided last part of the definition best suits my, uh, situation.

Several years (and kids) ago I stopped drinking all types of soda pop, as with each pregnancy I'd start to like less and less foods and drink. Soda especially turned my tummy upside down. I was doing pretty good too...until my last pregnancy hit. I was desperately sick and the only two things that EVER sounded good were the banana flavored Slurpee and Diet Coke.

My desire for Slurpee's ended with the birth of my youngest, but my love of Diet Coke did not. In fact, I'm quite certain I gained 20 pounds this last year because my love turned into an all out addiction. I'm really not kidding when I use the term addiction. While still draining one day's super-duper-double-triple-mega-awesome load of DC, I was all ready trying to figure out how to arrange my next 'fix' for the next day. It had to be sneaky otherwise it might look like I had a problem (oh no! I sucked up the last drop! There must be some more around here somewhere...).

The crazy thing is I needed the stuff as much for the tasty fix it provided as well as the manic spurts of energy it created. I could actually get things done around the house (and then some!) when I'd indulged. Therefore, in the addicted mind's logical way of thinking, drinking more was a good thing.

Right?

I knew it was getting bad when I'd stop in the local convenience store after dropping off the kids at school to get a giant cup of it, then not have a problem with going back later with my husband and getting another giant cup full. Every once in a while I'd start noticing the plastic bottles littering my side of the bed because I'd gotten too lazy to simply throw them out. It began to hit me - I was a Diet Coke-aholic!

Getting to the root of any addiction isn't easy, but mine was. I was tired. I was deeply tired all the time. Right down to the marrow of my bones tired. The problem wasn't depression, for I was sad or angry. I was, very simply, tired. So into the doctor I went, and the words I'd been dreading (hence my avoidance of my doctor) came directly out of his mouth: you need to go in an do a sleep apnea test.

NO! Say it ain't so!

Everyone I had ever talked to about taking the test would thrash their arms, and gnash their teeth and moan as though there was no tomorrow! Okay, maybe it wasn't that bad, but I was not looking forward to taking the test. I won't describe what happened (saving it for another post) but let's just say it was no where near as bad as I'd thought it would be.

What did surprise me, however, was an unexpected side effect from being on the CPAP machine for only 3 1/2 hours: I had energy to spare the rest of the week. In fact, I didn't even think about needing a nap until about five days later. It was amazing. AND - are you ready for this? - I didn't require Diet Coke to keep me going.

I KNOW!!! It was remarkable and exciting and exhilarating all wrapped up into a fantastic little energy ball. With this knowledge of what could be awaiting me I decided with the New Year there would be no more Diet Coke for me.

It's been a week. I'm in dire need of a fix!!! Even now I'm sitting at my computer knowing there is so much I need to get done and yet I have no energy to do it. I have projects that have been sitting around forEVER, and they will continue to do so. Why? Because I'm trying to be a good girl and not drink Diet Coke.

Funny thing is I'm not having withdrawals as I'd expected: no nasty headaches, no shaking, no crawling up the walls or periodic fits of hysterical crying. Instead there is simply the intense desire for enough energy to make it through the morning and pretend like I did something.

What I didn't count on was how long the process of going from the sleep test to actually getting the machine would be. It's closing in on a month and to my knowledge the doctors from the sleep clinic haven't even gone over my results yet. Then there's the part where I consult with my own doctor, and then we have to get together with the insurance company as well as the company that provides the equipment. What I thought could be done in two weeks or so might actually take up to two or three months.

In the meantime, I'm in agony as to what to do. Do I stick with my goal of no Diet Coke and simply suffer until things are worked out and I'm sleeping better at night? Or do I give in for now and wait until I'm on the machine in the hopes I can function better than I am right now? On the one hand I feel as though I'm giving in to my addiction and giving up on my goal, on the other hand I feel as though I'm giving myself a chance to do what I need to get done until the means to get off the Diet Coke is available.

Do you see what I mean by the Diet Coke conundrum?

The Reason Behind the Season

Hello friends. It's been a few months since I last sat down to write here, and I thought on this most beloved Thanksgiving Day, the one that begins the holiday season, I would take a few minutes to leave you with a few messages about this time of year.

I am one of those die-hard believers that every holiday deserves it's due, which is why I have such a hard time with the few weeks that separate Halloween and America's Thanksgiving celebration. Before Halloween is even over the shelves at stores are first emptied and then filled with Christmas decorations.

Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas decorations. Just not before Thanksgiving. I love Christmas music. Just not before Thanksgiving. I love the thought of buying presents for my family. Okay I'll do that before Thanksgiving, but I don't go crazy with it.

In the same way I don't like to hurry through our Thanksgiving holiday, I'm not one to simply shove aside the real reason we celebrate Christmas. It's not easy. I myself can be said to have had an attack of the "gimme's" here and there, especially when some of the latest and greatest gadgets flash across the screen or stare at you screaming "you really want me!" as you walk down the aisles of the store. And in that moment, I really, really do want whatever it is. Passionately.

This is when I must take a step back and remember. Today we celebrate being thankful, a truly God-like quality. I am thankful, for everything my life has been blessed with. Even the rough things, for they teach me my greatest lessons. As I begin to count my blessings I remember who made this wonderful life of mine possible, and that is when I remember the real reason behind this season.

A week ago I was invited to participate in a presentation put on by our Relief Society (the women's organization of my church), wherein the people invited would go on a walk with Christ. There were three presenters. One portrayed Peter the Apostle, one portrayed Nephi - a prophet who witnessed Christ's arrival in the America's as written in the Book of Mormon, and for myself, I was given the chance to portray the Samaratin woman Christ met at Jacob's well.

I studied up on my person, finding several books at the library, reading through the Bible passage several times, and using the ultimate guide to interpreting what this woman experienced - prayer. I put together a simple costume, decorated my room accordingly, and sweated bullets until it was my turn. I could hear the first group shuffle in and take their seats, and when all became quiet I entered as though coming from the door flap of my home. It was then I left what was meant to be said up to the inspiration of God.

We were invited by the closing speaker to take the messages shared with us through each presentation home, to ponder upon them, and to remember them as we began the holiday season. It was a remarkable way to begin it all, as it has brought home the need to make Christ central to each day, especially at this time of the year.

I realize not everyone who may read this believes in Jesus Christ as our Savior. I also know many who read this believe the members of my Church do not really believe in Jesus Christ. But I also know this - the only person to whom I am responsible to when it comes to my beliefs is that man whom they revolve around: Jesus of Nazareth, born in Bethlehem. He who walked and talked among all people alike. He was no respector of persons. He knew sinner and saint and believed them all to be special and worthy of His time and effort. Him I believe. Him I love. Him I strive to be like. And in His name I invite you to make him the reason behind this season, beginning with the simple task of being thankful.

Lessons in Faith, Trust, Humility, and ... More Faith

A few months ago I received an e-mail from our Stake Young Women's president asking me to be a part of a very small group put together for the purpose of coming up with a spiritual activity for our Girl's Camp, which was to be held on the stake level this year.

(Allow me to pause and explain for those who may not understand. Think of a collection of local church congregations - which we call "ward", and then those wards being placed in a group under the leadership of a presidency. That group is known as a stake. Any "stake" leaders mentioned are members of wards called to help lead and direct different Church programs like Young Women's, who are girls from 12-18 years of age.)

I felt honored to be asked, but little did I know how much of myself would be put into this one particular project. What was supposed to be a twenty-minute story to help illustrate how each young woman is a beloved princess who must make choices in this life, choices that will either keep her on God's path back to His kingdom, or lead her off the path, well, let's just say it's now a good 40 pages long.

I have felt beyond inspired while writing this story. I have felt words flow through my mind that were not my own. The main character made choices I ached over until tears could not be stopped. Were it my choice, she would have never fallen off the path, but that is why this is not my story.

Things were going well in the planning of this camp. Though not a part of the planning committee I certainly felt an avid interest in all that was going on. I was fully aware of the major concern behind our crazy weather this year, and the fact that getting up to the camp site was looking almost impossible, as rain and melting snow had washed out many of the roads.

What I had not seen coming was the decision of our stake presidency to cancel camp at a stake level and ask the wards to take over. After all the planning, praying, and trust that things would work out, it was simply...done.

My husband and our stake YW's pres. had to remind me this morning that these men are inspired of God. They did what they thought was necessary. It was not done on a whim. There was much prayer going into it. But, I cannot help asking, where does that leave us?

The truth is we don't know. So many of the leaders I've spoken to over the last few months have all agreed: something amazing is being prepared for these girls. I have felt more than once if we don't reach many of these girls on a spiritual level this year, we may lose them to the influences of the world.

I have had many thoughts running through my head today. Some I wonder if they are my own stubborn need to fix everything. Or is there any chance they are thoughts being given to me by my Savior, though I haven't figured out how to make them all fit into this gigantic puzzle placed in my path.

It has only been in the last few minutes, and after many e-mails with our beloved stake yw's president, that enough of the puzzle pieces have been put into place to allow us peace. The first piece is my reminder that I do not need to fix everything. Actually, let's make that a whole lot of pieces to my puzzle. I don't have to fix it all. I do not have all the answers. I have not been put in charge. It's time to humble myself once more and keep in mind the Lord is ultimately over this, and that brings us to the next few pieces of the puzzle.

Trust. We must trust that even though it looks as though everything is falling apart, this may not be the case. Who knows what the Lord has in mind at this time? Who knows what he has helped us prepare for, even though we may not be able to see how this puzzle will, in fact, come together?

How much do I trust in my stake leaders? How much do I trust we on the ward level are every bit as inspired and deserving of inspiration when it comes to the lives of these young women placed in our care? How much do I trust in the Lord's ability to make a frustrating situation turn into a wonderful blessing? How much do I trust? And that brings us to our last handful of pieces.

Faith. Oh that one little word. It is not something we automatically have. It is something we do. Now is the time for all of us who are leaders to put faith into action. We will place our faith in the Lord, he who directs this wonderful Church, who inspires all who are willing to listen, right down to the leaders of the ward, and see what blessings will come.

We will be humble, we will trust, and we will show faith. And at the end, when we have proven ourselves worthy to take on and accomplish this challenge, we will be blessed. Our story, the one we are living at this moment, will have a happy ending.

Uncooked Rice and Plastic Eggs

No, I promise, this is not going to be a post about some weird recipe I found. This past Sunday a gentleman gave a talk in Sacrament Meeting and gave us an example of something I'd like to share with you today, as it's had me rethinking where my priorities may be skewed.

Think of a jar - large or small, doesn't matter. The jar is empty and the lid is off. Now think of two bowls. One bowl holds some uncooked rice, while the other contains some of those plastic Easter eggs (though this has nothing to do with Easter). Our goal is to fill the jar with both the rice and the eggs, and still be able to put the lid on when everything is filled.

First we put in the rice. It manages to fill our jar to a little over half. Next we take our plastic eggs and begin to stuff them into the jar. It doesn't take us long to realize we're not going to get all the eggs in. Way can try to stuff them in, but eventually they begin to crack and break. Nor will we be able to get the lid back on.

Knowing we need to rethink things we take the eggs back out of the jar and put them back in their bowl, and do the same with the rice. Being the absolutely brilliant beings I know we all are, this time we try putting in the eggs first. They fit perfectly into the bottle, but now is the true test. We take our bowl of rice and begin to pour it over our plastic eggs. To our amazement each individual piece of rice finds a little nook or slot to make a home. Sometimes we might have to shake the bottle to help everything find a place, but before we know it not only is there room for eggs and rice, but the lid fits on top as well.

Think of the eggs as the spiritual things in our lives, while the rice represents those things of the world that are necessary to keep us going, or we would just like to do. When we try to fit in all the secular things, we rarely have room for the spiritual. However, if we put the spiritual first, everything else will find it's place.

Life has been chaotic lately, not only for me but for so many I know. For myself, I have come to realize I've gained a recent "poor me" attitude. I've been so busy trying to take care of so many things for so many other people, my own spiritual needs have been slipping through the cracks. In other words, I've been filling my jar with rice.

This isn't to say the things I've been involved with have been unworthy causes. These activities and service provided certainly have merit. But when I begin to feel as though I'm being stretched too thin, the words of the counselor I saw last year starts running through my mind: you can't take care of others if you're not taking care of yourself.

And so I am forced to look at just how I am living my life lately. Here's what I've come to realize: no matter how fortified in vitamins and minerals, one cannot make it through an entire day on a bowl of cereal. Time to start eating better; even if the distance from the front porch to the mailbox feels like a mile, it does not count as a full day's exercise. Time to get moving; and no matter how much I ignore the laundry or attempt to master (or at least develop) the art of telekinesis, the laundry and bathroom simply will not do themselves. Time to get the house clean.

These are not difficult things to do. I managed a few loads of laundry today. My biggest problem is in recognizing where I really need to start. Reading the scriptures daily. I'm horrible at this. I can look and look and look at my Bible or Book of Mormon all day long, but it will do me know good unless I actually open them up and read the words. I need to pray more often. A few halfhearted sentences at the end of a very long day don't do me, nor my Heavenly Father, a whole lot of good. I need to begin my day with prayer, and keep a prayer constantly in my heart. I need to remember to ask for what I want and need. I'm fantastic about allowing things to happen as the Lord sees fit, but I always forget to ask in prayer for those things I want. And a request never sent out will simply not be fulfilled. Even if the request is for one little hour in which to read a book of my own choosing.

It is in the spiritual areas I need to focus on first. When I build up my spiritual reserves, the physical, emotional, and mental reserves will find themselves filled as well. All other things will naturally fall into place. I might have to shake things up a little for all my wants and needs to find a perfect fit, but it can be done.

So how about it? Is it time for you to take out your eggs and rice, and see where things really need to fit?

A Step in a New Direction

We're in debt. I realize this is nothing new, especially when one considers the life and times in which we live, but this is not a style of living with which my husband and I are comfortable.

Beyond the house and car payments we work our best to spend only the money my husband brings in through his job. For most of our married life he has had to work two different jobs (one full-time, one part-time) in order for us to scrape by. About two years ago the higher-ups of his full time job were able to square things away to enable my husband to at last quit his part-time job, which was especially needful as he had been asked to take on the role of a bishop (or leader of a congregation) in our church. This particular role requires much of his time.

Though he was finally able to quit his part-time job, it meant a pay decrease - something we did not mind as it meant he would get to be home a bit more. We tightened our belts even more when necessary and found other ways to keep ourselves living within our means. This year, however, life simply took it's toll.

We have just one credit card. It is pulled out primarily to make online purchases (like medications) or in case of an emergency when our savings cannot cover it. I don't know what it was about this particular year, but emergencies seemed to pop up from a lot more sources than usual. Our savings has been almost depleted, and the last time we needed to pay this much on a credit card was several years ago when our car had been stolen and required much in the way of money to be fixed.

I keep waiting for that "long lost great-uncle twenty times removed" I never knew to somehow discover I'm here and leave me a fantastic legacy! Either that or for Publisher's Clearing House to at least give me that million dollars they keep promising.

I'm not complaining...well, not much. But it's sent within me a drive I've never really experienced before to sit down and get serious about writing. A sweet friend hooked me up with a few sites to look into when it comes to freelance writing. I actually had to sit down and put together a rather pitiful looking resume. This morning I sent in said resume to a professional freelance writing site in the hopes they'll overlook my lack of experience and give me an honest chance at working for them.

It's scary, especially for someone who's never tried this online before. Yet I'm hopeful. There's this little bubble of excitement that's rolling around inside my head wondering if this could be what gets me started. I've long wanted to create a name for myself - a name that goes beyond my sweet, wonderful, and supportive circle of family and friends. I've been told by my Heavenly Father that this is what I'm meant to do (after the whole mom and wife thing, of course) with my life. It can be difficult, though, to let go of the hesitations, fears, and uncertainties. It can be difficult to believe in myself!!! Anyone out there know what I'm saying? I'm sure you do.

Perhaps today is the beginning of good things, both for myself and for our family. Perhaps today is the beginning of taking control and working towards something new and wonderful and exciting. Perhaps this is the unseen purpose behind all our little emergencies this year. Who knows but that this has been the Lord's way of getting me moving in a new direction.

I am a Mormon, a Wife, a Mother, and a Daughter of God

When I first began this blog - how many years ago? - I did so due to many different spiritual nudgings that now was the time. I didn't really know what this would evolve in to. Well, to be frank I still don't know what this is supposed to be all about, and perhaps that's okay. I don't gear this toward any one thing: cooking, crafts, art, politics, religion, etc. Somewhere deep inside me there was this burgeoning hope of it including a little bit of everything to help those who are not familiar with the Mormons and their beliefs/ways of life might get an insight through my own eyes.

I never thought it would include so many different aspects of my life, from silly little daily happenings to my struggles with depression. I also never thought anyone outside of my little circle of friends and family would be interested in reading the inconsequential (to me, that is) things I would have to say.

There are not too many out there who know this, but I feel as though the Spirit is indicating to me it's time to impart something special with those who share this blog with me. It was either right before or right after I started it that I received a message, peculiar in it's origin yet geared directly to my heart. I was told, in essence: people will read what you have to write.

I took this to be both a promise and a warning. The thought that my words might go out there and touch the life of someone I may never meet in this lifetime seems almost impossible...and exciting. At the same time I knew it was necessary to choose my words carefully. It's one thing to write about silly or even sad or interesting or opinionated subjects. It's entirely different to delve into religion.

The Monday after our semi-yearly General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I looked at my visitor's map and found myself stunned to see so many visits from states and countries who had never appeared before. It didn't take long for me to realize many of these visitors were probably looking in to just about anything they could find on the Mormons after Boyd K. Packer's talk - both truths and lies having been circulated. At that moment I knew, more than I had ever known before, why my Savior directed me to title this blog as I did.

Because people would come to find out precisely how a Mormon mother would respond to almost everything in this life.

We are all too prone to lump people into stereotypes, whether they be correct or mistaken. You bring up certain words and images flow into our minds: rodeo, the Bible Belt, beaches, skiing, housewife, alcoholic, Harry Potter, etc. We each bring with us the experiences we have gleaned throughout this life, as well as the impressions placed before our eyes and in our ears by those things we choose to watch and listen to. All of these combined give us images in our heads and feelings in our hearts, whether or not they be accurate.

Let me say this. The things we learn of in this world will not always be accurate. The more we, as human beings, learn and grow to understand how life works - the intricacies of bugs and flowers to atoms and cancer cells - the better our grasp on the big picture becomes. It is my belief the more we learn about this amazing experience called life, the more we can grasp God's handiwork in it. We can know for ourselves the vitally important fact that He is in charge, He knows and understands our hesitations and questions, and He believes in us, even during those times we choose not to believe in Him.

We are all extraordinary children of God, the Father. Whether we be African, English, Indian, Polynesian, Canadian, Mexican or American. Whether we be Jewish, Catholic, Seventh Day Adventist, Hindu, Buddhist, or even Athiest. Whether we be rich, poor, selfish, selfless, or somewhere in between, He loves us all. This I can promise you Mormons believe.

So think to yourself, when I say the word Mormon, what comes to mind? Ask yourself if the things you feel, remember, imagine are things you've experienced for yourself or have come to you through others. Have you paused long enough to go to our Father to ask Him if what you think and feel are accurate? It's okay to question the beliefs of the Mormon faith, just as it's okay to question the belief of any faith. Yet we need to kneel down and ask the one being who will be honest with us, no matter how we may like - or not like - the answers. Just remember to come to Him with a humble heart and a contrite spirit, with the desire to know His truth. Not our truth. Not my truth. Not the world's truth. Just His.

I am a Mormon. I am the wife of a bishop in this church. I am a mother to five beautiful children. I love the youth with all my heart. I enjoy serving others, and being at home with my kiddies. I am a writer. I am a dabbler in hobbies. I am an avid reader. I am an avid learner. I am a listener. I am a song leader. I am a computer game player. I am a Facebook junkie. I am a daughter. I am a sister.

But first and foremost, I am a daughter of God. And that is the role I cherish most.

I would invite you all to remember you, too, are children of a most loving Father in Heaven. Spend some time thinking and pondering what this truly means. Read the Savior's words as given in the Holy Bible. Read another testament of Jesus Christ in the Book of Mormon. Spend some honest to goodness time in this hectic, crazy world to rediscover your spiritual roots.

I would invite you to feel free to learn more about the Mormons, otherwise known as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Light Up Your World

As our ward choir was singing yesterday in church, I dropped my oldest over for one last practice about 8:30 am. During my ride home I listened to 100.3 fm, a local radio station that plays more sacred and religious based music on the Sabbath.

Even as I pulled up into my driveway a song I'd never heard before, by an artist whose name I could not even remotely pin down, began to play. Before turning off the car four little words were sung, immediately capturing my attention and not letting go even now.

"Light up your world."

We are all asked to be a light in this world, a light for righteousness, for love, for all the good things in life. A light that represents our Savior, His example, and His teachings. We have been told to be a light unto the world, a phrase that can sound daunting, perhaps to some even impossible. How can one person light up the entire world? How is it possible for us, who may never reach further than our own little neighborhoods, influece this vast and enormous world filled with people we may never meet in our lifetime?

Those four little words, just one of them changed, brought about a beautifully enlightening thought to my own mind: we don't have to light up the entire world, but we should be working our hardest to light up our own world.

Some of us out there are not filled with wanderlust. We do not crave the chance to travel from place to place, to move a billion times over, or to wander too far from home. I am certainly one of these people. So the circle of people I know is small compared to some. But this does not mean I can't have a great influence on that small circle of loved ones. It does not mean I can't be a light for those I meet in my own little, yet wholly satisfying, world.

Who knows how one kind word, one unexpected hug, one spontaneous compliment, or one experience in listening to the Holy Spirit's whisperings will influence the life of someone around you? It could be someone you've known your entire life. It could be the individual at the check-out counter at your local grocery store. Whoever he/she may be, you never know when holding up your light nice and high may cause another lost or hurting soul to be comforted, to be lightened, or even to start on a path of finding themselves closer to the Savior. All because you chose to hold up your one, seemingly insignificant light.

We don't need to light up the entire world, but when we choose to shine the light of Christ on those around us the effects might actually ripple to places we would have never expected. Our influece could be felt in places far beyond our own limited reach.

No, we don't have to worry about lighting up the entire world, but we should do all we can to light up our own world.

On My Bucket List: The 7-11 Man

Just a short walk away is one of our favorite local convenience stores, the 7/11. It's owned by a family who take turns manning the store. I have enjoyed chatting with the husband and wife, and can even claim to have gotten a bit of conversation out of their daughter, who comes in to help out occasionally after school.

The one who poses a challenge, however, is the young man who is there most often. He could be a very younger brother, or perhaps an older son - it really doesn't matter. What gets me is he is so closed off! This attitude could easily be taken as being rude, arrogant, and/or just plain hating being there. I, however, think he's just shy and guarded.

I can't blame him. The family is of mid-Eastern descent, though I could not say precisely where they are from. In this day and age anyone of any color and nationality faces a world of discrimination and hatred for things they have personally never done and most likely don't even condone. But that's a discussion for another time.

When I come up to the register the young man won't even look at me. I'm okay with that, as I realize we all have certain reasons for doing, or not doing, something. Every once in a very long while I'll get him to look me in the eye, and consider it a huge accomplishment when I get more than a "You're welcome" out of him.

I've told my hubby more than once my biggest goal with this young man is to get him to smile for me, just because. If you've ever visited this particular 7/11 you'll know what a daunting task I have set before myself.

I've been slowly breaking down his barriers, though. I have made him almost laugh a few times. I always say hello, thank you, and have a nice day. For the most part he remains stoic, answering with as few syllables possible. But I remain undaunted.

Recently we took the kids over there to get Slurpees, and he was outside washing down windows. I had finished paying for our things and had started backing up to the door when it suddenly opened for me. I looked up in surprise and said, "Oh! Wow! Why thank you." I don't know what struck him as funny, but he gave me an honest-to-goodness, completely unguarded smile. It took my breath away, and made me even more determined to see that smile happen without me looking like an idiot.

So there's my first ever post on my Bucket List. We'll have to see if it's a goal I can accomplish!

As a Man Thinketh

Last night I posted on Facebook I hoped today would be spiritually filling. Never did I realize that not only would it fill me up, but I would struggle to figure out exactly what to choose for today's post. The children sang so well in Primary - even in the nursery! I found myself able to serve a sweet and overwhelmed sister by simply being a shoulder to cry on. I had a chance to go to choir practice today (something I haven't done in months) where we sung through one of my absolute favorite hymns. But it was the messages shared in our main sacrament meeting today that caught my attention the most.

As a child, a teenager, and young adult I used to love cloudy days. There was something invigorating about taking a walk or swinging at the park or even just sitting on my front porch in windy, storm like weather. I loved to watch the clouds rolling across the sky, see where they would try to touch the ground in a shower of rain, and most of all enjoy watching lightning streak across the sky.

Something happened over the years. Instead of enjoying the weather as I used to I found myself particularly depressed on cloudy days. It got so bad I would suffer the effects of seasonal depression through the winter months. I wondered more than once where my joy of cloudy, rainy days had gone.

The young, single adults in our ward (local congregation) have had a chance this weekend to attend a summit put on by the area leaders of our church. Men and women ages 18-30 were invited to attend a dinner and concert Friday night, a bunch of classes plus a carnival Saturday, and tonight there will be a spiritual speaker to tie everything together. My husband, as the leader of our particular ward, had the chance to attend as well. Today a few of those who went spoke to us in our main meeting.

Though the theme of the summit was "Find Yourself Through Service", most came away having been greatly influenced by one particular speaker (who had also been one of the entertainers at the concert the night before). He spoke about the way people think and how much it influences who they are and the way they present themselves.

The idea is simple enough: if you think negative thoughts you'll be negative. If you think positive thoughts you'll be positive. I believe the problem comes when we don't realize our thoughts are negative.

My therapist and I have discussed it a lot throughout my sessions. He's a big believer in our thoughts contributing greatly to the way we approach life. He told me our thoughts can come through so fast we may not even register what it was that just went through our heads. These thoughts are often formed during our childhood years, though the way the think about things can change (as mine did about cloudy days).

Dr. Jim gave me a copy he'd made of a bumper sticker he once found. It read: Don't Believe Everything You Think. That's right - believe it or not the things we think are not always true. We can even change the negative thoughts that come automatically by recognizing them when they happen. For example, someone makes a mistake. Their automatic thought is, "I'm so stupid. I can't do anything right. Might as well give up." If we see ourselves thinking along these lines it's time to stop, to rewind, and instead say something like, "I made a mistake. That's okay. I'll remember what I did wrong and try again."

Doesn't that sound easy? I think so. Give it a try this week. If you find yourself in a really bad mood and you don't understand why, do a little backtracking to figure out where the negative thought hit, then change the way you think. When you go to bed at night, review your day, let the bad thoughts go, and just remember all the good things. When you wake up in the morning, start your day with some positive thoughts. See if you find a difference in the way you approach your day, in the way you are able to handle your problems, and even the way you look at yourself.

This last week we've had some rainy weather. I could actually sense the dark feelings approaching. Instead of embracing those, I went outside and just stood in the wind, feeling it rush over me, and for the first time in many years I felt invigorated again. It was beautiful.

It's Okay to Say No and NOT Feel Guilty!

For someone who only made it through Primary today, I'm feeling greatly inspired to sit down and write about a particular subject. There was a comment made by our stake leaders to the bishopric and Primary presidency about our lack of participation in the recent Pioneer Day parade. Our stake had put together a float that was chosen to be a participant in our biggest parade day for Utah. The children of the stake were invited to walk along with the float, and I hear there was one of the First Presidency in the float just behind them.

It's true our particular ward typically has the most attendance (though really not so much during the summer months), so of course at least one child should have been present, right? Three of those kids happen to be my own. My husband is the bishop. I myself am in the Primary organization. If anyone should have had a kid present it should have been us, right?

I am going to sit up straight, put on my sweetest smile, and say no. No. No! And I don't feel one bit guilty about it. Saying that one little word was not something I could have done just a few months ago. There was a time I would have pushed myself to do something I not only didn't want to do, but did not have the energy or strength to accomplish. I also would have resented every minute I felt forced to do it.

One of the things my therapist and I have been working on is changing my beliefs that everyone else comes first, my needs come last, and if I don't do it I'm being selfish. Turns out this isn't true. My needs HAVE to come first.

In Mosiah 4:27 we read: "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order: for it is not requisite that man should run faster than he has strength."

"How do we know when we are running faster than we have strength? We develop physical and emotional symptoms. Continual stress triggers such physical symptoms as headaches, high blood pressure, stomach aches, ulcers, eczema, heart palpitations, etc.; ... stress is certainly a major contributor to depression and its symptoms, i.e. tiredness, crying spells, sleep disturbance - either sleeping too much or sleeping too little, appetite disturbance - either eating too much or eating too little, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, and suicidal thoughts. If a person develops these symptoms he or she is certainly 'running father than he [or she] has strength.'"

This quote is from my therapist's book "Spiritual Therapy". In chapter 7 which goes into neglecting our own needs Dr. Shelton talks about a question asked by President Harold B. Lee regarding our priorities and responsibilities.

"An anxious physician worried that because of his profession and church responsibilities, he was neglecting his own son, (and) asked President Lee how [he] should handle [his] time? What is most important in life? How do I do it all? President Lee replied: A man's first responsibility is to himself, then to his family, then to Church, realizing that we have responsibility to excel in our profession as well. He then stressed that a man must take care of his own health, both physically and emotionally, before he can be a blessing to others."

Imagine that. A prophet of God saying the one who should come first in our lives is...ourselves! Let's stress for a moment the fact that there is a difference between the things we need, and the things we want. Needs are essential for balance in our lives. We must eat well, get plenty of rest, take time to meditate, pray, exercise, read scriptures, and make this time you put aside for yourself necessary. Feel free not to answer the phone. Tell your children you'll fulfill their wants as soon as you're done with your hour. Set up boundaries so others will see it's good to make your own needs as important as those of others.

Even Christ knew it was necessary to take time out for Himself. He spent so much of His time teaching and healing and walking and doing the work of His Father. Yet when His body began to suffer, He would willingly go into the wilderness to pray. Once when He visited Mary and Martha, the latter sister became frustrated because she found herself doing all the work while Mary sat and listened to the Savior. When she thought to complain, Christ reproved her, letting her know Mary had chosen something to help keep herself balanced. Housework would always be there. The time at hand needed to be spent choosing to feed themselves spiritually. Had Martha recognized this, the frustration and anger that popped up would not have been an issue.

Many of the symptoms of running faster than we can walk listed above have been things I've experienced an awful lot of most of my life. I'm hoping to go more into some of the negative core beliefs I've had and how they have changed in the next little while. I wanted to go through this one today for one simple fact: I have nothing to feel guilty about. I love my church. I love my ward. I love the members and leaders of our stake. But I also love myself, and I know when it's necessary to say no to the expectations of others while saying yes to taking care of me. And there is no reason to feel guilty about it.

The truth is, not only myself and my husband, but all the members of the bishopric and our Primary presidency either already had something going on, or felt it was more important to take care of the needs of our family first. We cannot control what other choose to do, or not do, and there is no need to feel bad for what may appear to be coming up short in the eyes of others. Not even when fingers are pointing.

If I could offer you one challenge this week (one Dr. Shelton gives me continually), it's to take one hour a day out and do things strictly for you. Say no to those who might impose on this hour, and when the guilt comes take a deep breath, hold it, and then let it all go.

The Beauty We See

I've been enjoying some fairly awesome roses the last few days. They have been in full bloom and the scent is just heavenly. I was thinking about the beauty we see in nature, not only flowers but trees, streams, lakes, butterflies, ladybugs, and other marvels. Each and every one of these things was created by our Lord. We are hardpressed to look at them and think anything bad of them.

Well, except maybe when we see spiders (shiver).

Yet when it comes to ourselves, the pinnacle of God's creations, we are so apt to be critical. We wish we were skinnier, more toned, had more muscle, had less freckles, had different color eyes, or a better head of hair. We look at ourselves and instead of seeing the beauty, we look for the imperfections.

What if we were to do the same thing to the above flower. When one takes a really close look one can see imperfections as well. What if the flower could speak, and criticized itself as we do to ourselves? One of my petals is ripped, I don't like my color, there are too many leaves on my stem, these petals are curling too much, and some are starting to wilt.

Does it sound a bit silly? Especially when we can only see how absolutely gorgeous it is?

We are the most beloved creations of our God. Take some time to look at and recognize the beauty in yourself. Make a list of ten things you love about the way you look, or gifts you might have. Add to this list as time goes by. Ask friends to add to the list as well. Then when you feel apt to think the worst about yourself, you can come back to this list and see the truth!

At My Funeral

I attended the funeral of a church member yesterday. I love attending funerals for one simple reason - you get to know the person more than you ever could have in real life.

When speaking of ourselves we tend to gravitate automatically towards the negative. We can't help looking back on our lives and seeing all the things we managed not to accomplish, the things where we went so wrong. As our own worst critics we cannot help seeing where we should have stepped up, could have done more, and might have made a difference.

The funny thing is we impact others more than we know. While we may want to criticize ourselves, there are so many others who are ready and willing to praise the person we were to them. Did that make sense? Perhaps a better way of putting it is, our perceptions of ourselves is far different than the perceptions of others.

After yesterday's funeral I couldn't help thinking about what people might say about me if I were to die tomorrow. At only 34 I haven't exactly lived a long life. Is there truly anything about me and the way I've lived my life that might be worthy of notice? If you were to ask me, not really. I'm nothing too special when compared to so many others I know. It's difficult for me to believe anyone outside of immediate family who might even attend.

Oh I know I'm loved. This really isn't a pity-party, nor a cry for others to tell me how awesome I am. It's just me pondering my life, and wondering if I've really lived in such a way to be satisfied with where I might leave it. Sister L left an extraordinary legacy here on earth. The things said of her touched more than just one heart. The amount of family alone who came to celebrate Sister L was a testament to the amazing woman she was. The words spoken of how she loved, served, and lived could not have born better witness to her love for the gospel of Christ.

And so I got to thinking about what others might say about me. Have I lived in such a way that those who know me know of my intense love for them, for the gospel, for my family? Has my testimony been obvious to those I have ever spoken with? Does my Heavenly Father look down upon me feeling pleased with what I've accomplished thus far?

The natural course of my thoughts took me one step further, and I began to think about the things I'd like people to say. This is when I came to the conclusion, if I want people to say certain things about me, it's time to start living my life in a way to make those things true. Perhaps this was a "wake-up" call of sorts to begin a few changes.

In any case, I'd invite you to take a few minutes to think about what you'd like to have said about you, and then make it possible!

I'm a Mall Walker (Pun Intended)

As part of my goal to become healthier this year I've begun walking most nights. Yes, it's true I'm not the most consistent in getting my half-hour of sweat-inducing exercise, but with my extraordinary partner - the hubby - I've been walking more these last two weeks than I have in quite a while.



Walking with my husband is not for the weak-hearted, nor the slow going. His "power" walk has me trotting to keep up. His normal pace has my calf muscles crying in pain. I remember the days I used to keep up with him without hoping someone would run up behind me with a wheelchair because I could feel my legs turning to jelly even as we rounded a corner. One of these days I'll be able to keep up again.

Seeing as how it's winter in Utah, there are nights when the air is crisp but not freezing and taking a good half-hour walk feels exhilarating rather than exhausting. I love exercising in cooler weather, if for no other reason than I don't smell as bad after it's all done. However, this being winter in Utah there are nights when the air is bone chilling, or snow is falling in droves, keeping us from wanting to lose a nose, finger or toe to frostbite. These nights, we take to the local mall.

I don't know if they're common where you are, but here in the Salt Lake Valley mall walkers are a regular sight. They range in ages, but mostly consist of the "older" set, and are most often seen in the morning hours before the opening of stores brings an onslaught of shoppers. Hubby and I, however, brave the evening hours to do our walking.

To keep things exciting we switch up which mall entrance we park near. I know, you can hardly stand how utterly awesome we are at this moment, right? Tonight we went really wild...and walked in the opposite direction. Funny thing is - it threw us off! We almost took a few wrong turns in Macy's.

Tonight I was not in fine form. As we finished our first lap around the mall I told my hubby to go on ahead of me, that I needed to slow down. I watched him race off and could literally feel my legs sigh in relief as I let up a bit on the pace. Hubby went screeching off through the food court, but I skipped it, as I knew it could take about as much time for me to finish the mall by cutting a few corners as it would him going the full course. And it did.

Still, I'm grateful for a husband who pushes me to go just a bit faster in walking, whether it be in the mall or outside. He's the reason I'm still going strong on exercising. And for those who didn't get the "pun intended" in the title? Our last name is Walker :)