I am a Mormon from Utah, NOT a Utah Mormon

I am Utah born and bred. Forty plus years of living here have been ingrained into my bones. Take me away from my precious mountains and I am beyond lost. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, which is pretty common here as it is the home base of this particular religion. And I absolutely hate the term "Utah Mormon".

It's used by members and nonmembers alike, but most of the time the term appears to be insulting. I don't want this to be a negative post, but I would like those out there to know how much it hurts to be lumped into a perception that does not stem from understanding where our particular bunch came from.

Are we a peculiar lot? You bet! Do people outside of our state have a preconceived notion of what it must be like to live here? No doubt! Is it a culture shock to actually be in the midst of us? Of course! I can't even begin to imagine what it's like to come here, whether you are or are not a member of our church, and spend some quality time with us. For some we are a loving lot, for others we come across as having a better-than-thou attitude.

My hope in writing today is to give people out there a small glimpse into why we are the way we are. Maybe, if I'm very lucky, you might see something of yourself in us.

To do this we need to do a speedy quick history lesson. Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ. He was directed to form a church. Missionaries were sent out. New members flocked from around the area and as far away as England. The people were repeatedly mobbed, harassed, and chased from their homes. Some were murdered. Their lands were coveted and stolen from them. Time and again they lived in such fear and destitution that many members left this new church in the hopes of finding some form of peace.

Joseph and a few other leaders were then murdered, and their people were forced to flee once more. This time, instead of trying to find a place close by, as they had before, the members were led far to the west. The journey was harrowing. There were tragedies and triumphs along the way. Many of the men were asked to join the army, leaving their women and children to make the trek alone. While getting to the Salt Lake Valley was their goal, it was a far from ideal place. The valley was pretty barren. They had to start all over again, and this time with next to nothing and little energy to do it. Most families were forced to live in dugouts until enough time passed and enough resources were gathered to build humble homes.

Families may not have remained in the valley itself. There were so many who were asked to go into areas with even harsher conditions up and down the territory and try to make a life. They began to build a temple when horrible news came: rumors were spreading to the US government that those Mormons were building an army against them. It was completely unfounded, but once more the members were afraid. This fear was now so much a part of who they were. Was there a place far enough away from hatred that would allow them to live without fear? These members had lost so much already.

Were these people perfect? Not even a little. Yes they had been through some horrendous things, were continuing to go through so much more. God had asked them to endure an awful lot, but I know He was with them every terrifying step of the way. Even here they made a whole lot of mistakes, ones which carry scars to this day in our hearts.

Let's fast forward to this time, keeping in mind the mindset of our pioneer ancestors has greatly influenced how their descendants have turned out and how we think. There is this niggling idea in the back of our minds that what has happened all those years ago might happen again. Their fear is still our fear. If you don't think the things your ancestors have endured have anything to do with your own way of thinking in the here and now, you're fooling yourself. Just take a look at someone who had a slave as an ancestor (I'm talking slaves of all kinds - African, Irish, Russian, etc. Slavery is an unfortunate mark of every history), and ask if that individual is not influenced by what their ancestor endured. Just as there are traits passed along from generation to generation (like musical abilities, writers, athletes), fear and tragedy can be passed along as well.

So for years and years our odd collection of people lived in a whole lot of fear from those who were not members of our church. It's a familiar worldwide story, I'm sorry to say. Ours was not the first to go through things like this. Having it happen here in America, where we were supposed to be free of such things, was certainly a drastic first. Keeping to ourselves became a protection, even as we tried so hard to live the tenets of our religion. Like any other religion we have individuals who are amazing at living what we are taught, and those who struggle with the basics.

We are not a perfect people. We struggle with doing things as Christ would: we judge, we sin, we're sometimes lazy, we say things that can hurt without realizing it, we fall short of expectations, etc. It's called being human. We are every bit as human as those who live outside of our state and our beliefs. Some are prideful, some so humble they may never believe they can make it back to live with our Heavenly Father. Some give everything they have, while others struggle to let go of the most basic things. Some are rude and arrogant, while others are loving and selfless. Some don't want to serve, while others volunteer for everything. Don't we all know people like this, no matter what beliefs they may hold? Are we not all like this at times? I know I am.

In the last twenty years or so I've seen a great shift in the words of our prophets that I believe is especially geared toward the members here in Utah. Instead of being taught to only date members of our church, to keep our members the closest as our friends, to look out for our fellow members first, we are now being encouraged to look outside of ourselves. It's a shift that has been necessarily slow. No change comes super easy, and changing the outlook of a religion-based state will come with difficulties. Yet now I believe those who are not members of our church outnumber those who are, or at least those who are active.

With our most recent prophet, President Russel Nelson, change is happening fast. So many of us are super excited, but there is still a presence of resistance that pervades, especially in the older generations. I am reminded of the Israelites Moses brought out of Egypt, who struggled so much to let go of their old traditions and had to wander through the wilderness for forty years. What good did that do? It allowed a newer generation to grow up - one that was prepared to accomplish a new work. I have witnessed it here in my own ward (local congregation). Boundaries were realigned among our neighborhoods that created a whole new ward. Most of those who grumbled about the change were the much older generation, because it wasn't what they were used to. Then changes began within the Church of Jesus Christ itself, and the grumbling intensified. However, I look at the younger generations and they are so ready for things to change! They are the ones who are making the strides us oldies-but-goodies simply can't...or won't.

We are learning, I promise!

All I am asking is for you to be cautious when you talk about those "Utah Mormons". Just as any other person in any state, any country, and any city, we are the way we are for a reason. Try to understand us. Be gentle. We're attempting to make it back to heaven in our own imperfect ways too.

Day 2 of The Negative Thought Purge

Yesterday I went to see Sue, though not for me. This was the second visit for my daughter, M, who is also in need of some healing of the mind, body and spirit. I was definitely meant to be there with them both, as things took place to make a major shift in my knowledge of what's going on in my family. It also lead me to understand more the power of forgiveness. More on that later.

After last night's purge I felt better than the day before. So much so that when I sat down to write my negative thoughts it was difficult to come up with them. Instead of having a bunch of murky, nasty, vindictive, untrue statements flow easily from my mind I found myself feeling more contemplative. The bad beliefs went deeper and were harder to come up with. Why?

I truly believe it's because under the surface of all that negativity I had to fight to find the lies. Truth is beginning to resurface. There is the Light of Christ shining through again, though there is a lot of work yet to be done and a lot more healing to experience.

The first day I managed to fill almost all three pages. This time around I barely managed a page and a half. I probably could have done more but my spirit was too busy being filled with the beauty of watching the clouds roll quickly across the sky, flowing from one vibrant color to another as the sun settled behind the western mountains.I believe when I prayed for all the empty spots that had been occupied with the icky, murky, nasty thoughts that had taken root to instead be filled with peace, there was nowhere for nastiness to settle back in.

The peace and love of our Savior is truly incredible.

The overlying feeling left with my spirit was one of forgiveness. Forgiveness of others and of myself. So long as I held on to all of those negative beliefs there was no way I could forgive anyone, least of all imperfect me. If I can't forgive myself how can I possibly forgive others?

Forgiveness is freeing. It lightens the soul and gives room for peace. The natural man doesn't want to forgive. It wants to hold tight to grievances and grudges. That's not how the Savior works. He doesn't want to see us live that way. He wants us to be happy, even if we don't believe we can ever experience it, or deserve it.

Challenge for day 2 of your negative thought purge. After you've written down all of those negative thoughts for a second day in a row, pray for the spaces to be filled with peace and forgiveness. Even if you can't believe it'll make a difference, trust in the Savior.

The Power of a Thought

In the last few weeks I've started to visit with an energy healer. I won't go into why at the moment, but yesterday's visit got me thinking about the power of thoughts.

Sue, my practitioner, told me it takes just as much energy to think of something positive as it does to think of something negative. Yet we always tend to gravitate toward thinking negatively, especially about ourselves. As I pondered this thought, I realized just how damaging or healing that one choice can be: will I tell myself something negative or something positive?

I hold deep within my mind and heart a lot - and I really do mean a LOT - of negative beliefs about myself. They all run along the lines of not being enough. For anyone. I'm not smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough, serious enough, rich enough, poor enough, outgoing enough, quiet enough, loud enough, fast enough, thin enough, social enough, religious enough, service-oriented enough, energetic enough...and the list goes on and on. Because of all these negative thoughts I've told myself and allowed others to tell me and convinced myself it's what people were saying to/about me I no longer exist. Not as I once was.

With every negative thought I gave away a tiny slice of my personal power. I now feel broken in my spirit, my mind and my body. I don't even believe I'm worth putting back together - and that's a very difficult thing to admit, because I thoroughly believe everyone else in this world is worth fixing. So why not me?

Sue gave me some homework for the next seven days. I am to find a quiet spot, I am to start with a prayer, and then I am to take three blank pages and begin writing down every negative belief I have about myself. Not holding back. Just let it all out. When I was done I was NOT to go back and reread it, but to crumple it up and either burn the pages or throw them away. After those seven days I am supposed to do the opposite. I am to take three blank pages and begin writing down every positive thing about myself - even if I don't necessarily believe it. I can write things others have said about me if I can't think of anything myself, just as long as they are positive I AM statements.

I began my first list of negative things tonight. To be honest I didn't think I'd be able to write much. Once the words got going I couldn't stop. I had no idea I believed so many bad things about myself!  After half an hour my mind was exhausted. I had filled up a lot more of those three pages than I thought I could, and I felt...better. It was as though a huge weight had been lifted off my heart. As I'd been instructed I didn't read over what I'd written. Instead the papers were promptly crumpled up and I threw them away. Since my mind felt empty of all negativity I figured it might be a good idea to finish the assignment with a prayer, asking only for the empty spots to be filled with peace.

I cried through most of that purge. It was interesting to see which thoughts caused me the most pain to write. Those thoughts, those beliefs about myself, they were the most telling. It's taken many years of negative thinking for me to get this bad, therefore I know it will take quite some time to reverse the damage done. Right now my biggest hope is to feel as though I am worth fixing - feel this so intensely I actually believe it! So that when I wake up in the morning telling myself I can and will live life in abundance it won't feel like a lie.

Thoughts are powerful. They can make or break a person. Consider what you tell yourself every day. One of the happiest and loveliest women I know weighs over 300 pounds, but constantly tells herself how awesome she is - AND SHE IS!!! She truly believes it and after being told so many times over, we all believe it too.

The next time you feel as though you are drowning in negative thoughts, I encourage you to write them all down. Purge your mind of them. Then throw the papers away. Pray for peace to fill those empty spaces and begin trading those negative thoughts for positive. I'd love to hear how it changes your own lives!

What Kind of Home Will You and Your Family Build?

My hubby and I were chatting about things the other day and decided something needed to be done about how the kids were NOT making home the tidiest and happiest of places. The more we prayerfully considered what was going on and what to do about it, an idea popped into my head.

I didn't want to sit there and dictate to the kids what we were seeing, what was wrong, and what was GOING TO HAPPEN!!! Grumbling would have been heard throughout the land. Instead a story began to form in my mind and, using a talent God gave me, I began to write a funny story to help illustrate to the kids not only what was happening, but would hopefully encourage them to come up with their own ideas on how to make our home a happier place.

A few friends asked me to share my story, and so (with a few changes) I decided to share it with everyone. Some of the main problems we were facing is my daughter's addiction to Facebook, my boys' addiction to video games, and the littlest's need to be shrill and demanding because no one pays any attention to her. So that is what my little Princes and Princesses face in the story.

I would highly encourage you to look for creative ways to positively deal with the problems in your home. Just like in the story, we sat down as a family and came up with some goals to try and make things better here. In a few weeks we will sit down and see how it's going, see what's working and what isn't, and then make any necessary changes.

And now, enjoy the story.


Once upon a time there lived an awesome and royal family in the Kingdom of Best Valley. This family had the following members: Queen Ma and King Pa Balker, their oldest Princess Alec (they thought she was going to be a boy and the name stuck even after she turned out to be a girl), Prince Paulina (who was named after his grandpa but after what happened the first time, and thinking he was also going to be a boy, they opted to try a girl’s name), another Prince Brianne (after two other kids they decided not to break the pattern and gave their next son a girl’s name), and Princess Banana (Queen Ma Locker ate an awful lot of bananas during that pregnancy and thought the name Banana could be for a boy OR a girl).

For many years the royal Balker family lived in mostly love and almost always harmony. They enjoyed going on outings together and worked sorta hard to keep their castle tidy and neat. They enjoyed reading books as a royal family and could often be seen doing works of service for those in their kingdom.

As the Princes and Princesses grew older, however, something sad began to happen. The time the family spent in these wonderful activities became less frequent. King Pa and Queen Ma spent more and more time on errands for the kingdom, trying to keep everything in working order, and when they weren’t working, they were found to be increasingly hidden away in the royal bedchamber, tired from all their efforts.

Princess Alec had found a new and addicting hobby called Flacebooker where she could easily access other princes and princesses in surrounding lands! She could, and often did, spend HOURS conversing with those she rarely had access to before. The Royal family began to see more of the back of her head rather than the front of her Flace, uh, face.

Prince Paulina had long been a huge fan of buttons. Not the sort that keeps your clothes from falling right off you, but rather those that made magical things happen. Some buttons would make the made-up doings of other people in other lands appear on a screen that he could watch and laugh about for hours on end. Which he did. A lot. And if someone dared to tell him it was time to stop there would be great wailings and gnashing of teeth from the young prince until Queen Ma and King Pa would often think about getting rid of his access to these pretend lands.

Both Paulina and Brianne had a great love for the buttons that made other creatures in pretend lands move across the magic screen, doing their every bidding. Prince Brianne especially loved the two devices that let him push these sorts of buttons: the Woo and the PlagueStation. He had also developed a recent love of a food called Poppern, a crunchy and sweetly air popped delight he could live off of if given the opportunity.

Last, but certainly not least, was little Banana. As everyone became intent on doing their own thing she was neglected more and more. Her voice became louder and shriller in the hopes of being heard by those who were too busy to pay her any attention. She began to spend a lot of time in her royal bedchamber playing with toys that felt more her family than the real members. She was also placed frequently in front of movies in the hopes of keeping her entertained so others could do their own thing.

The Royal Balker family could not see that anything was too wrong at the moment, but Someone else did. He was the seventh member of their family, a prince by the name of Dalevid who had all ready gone on to the great Kingdom in the Skye, but who could see what was going on with his family below. And what he saw worried him. He wanted his family to come and live with him in the Kingdom in the Skye, but if they kept going down this path that might not happen. So he began to send down little whisperings and nudges in the hopes his parents would hear.

Happily, they did. The King and Queen began to take a closer look at what was going on and didn’t like much of what they saw. The castle was a mess. Clothes were strewn everywhere. There was clean laundry that sat in the basket for days before anyone thought to do anything about it. In the royal bedchambers there were dirty clothes all over the floor, even - much to the Queen’s dismay - right next to the royal laundry hamper. The Queen found a dirty sock in a much traveled hallway and wondered what would happen if she did not pick it up. The answer was: nothing. No one else, not even the owner of the sock, picked it up and placed it in a hamper.

There was clutter everywhere. Instead of using something and putting it back in it’s rightful place, things were left wherever they’d been used: on a table, a floor, a couch, a bathtub, a sink, or a bucket. Used up bags, wrappers, containers, and dishes could be found on just about every surface. Crumbs began to make their way into everyone’s socks, until Queen Ma felt ready to send a giant cyclone through the castle in the hopes it would suck all the crumbs away. But cyclones are not meant to be used to clean, and would only have reduced the castle to rubble. So she nixed that idea.

As Queen Ma and King Pa began to take stock of the mess, the two of them agreed to start doing better about picking up after themselves and their children. Their thought was, if they began to do it their children would follow their examples and help right along. Unfortunately this is not what happened. Instead the more they worked to clean and help out and pick up, the lazier and messier their children became. With Ma and Pa doing their work, they had more time to do their own thing.

So now instead of sweeping up once or twice a week, Queen Ma and King Pa would sweep up once or twice a day. The laundry would often pile up so high from improper room cleanings Queen Ma would find herself incredibly overwhelmed with the amount and not want to do it at all. King Pa would come home from a long day at work and visiting with Kingdom members only to find his castle in chaos, and would become so frustrated he would want to do nothing but hide in his room and escape in a good book.

The King and Queen noticed other changes as well. Their beloved Princes and Princesses argued a lot more. They wanted to spend less time together and more time away from each other. The royal children began to care more for other people and pretend places than they did for their own family. And so the King and Queen knelt down to ask their Father in the Kingdom of the Skye what they should do.

Their Father began to send down promptings and ideas to the two distressed parents, and on one particular Sunday after a day of Worshipping at church Queen Ma and King Pa had some answers. They gathered their precious children together one night and asked them a question: What sort of castle should we build? At first the children thought they were going to build a brand new castle.

“One with a giant room filled with magical buttons and loads of Woo’s and PlagueStations!” shouted the Princes.

“And my very own room where I can spend the whole day with my friends on Flacebooker!” yelled Princess Alec.

The King and Queen looked dismayed. This wasn’t going as they had hoped. There was one surprisingly quiet voice among the group. Queen Ma and King Pa noticed little Banana over in the corner looking very sad indeed. “What’s the matter Banana?” they asked.

“I don’t want a new castle. I like this one,” she said.

“What do you like so much about it?” they asked.

“I like the kitchen where we sit down and eat together and talk and laugh. And I like this room where we play games and throw Brianne’s teddy bear back and forth. And I like my room where my sister and I sometimes lay down and giggle together. And I like the Prince’s room where we play and have fun. And I especially like your room where we sometimes laugh together and where you let me sleep when I’ve had a bad dream. I don’t want another castle.”

The room grew quiet. King Pa took Banana in his arms and held her tight, trying to quiet her cries. Queen Ma looked at her other children and said, “I want a castle where we help each other, where we play together, where we work together to make this a beautiful place. I want this to be a place where the spirit of our Father can reside, and He has said He can only be in a clean and orderly place.

“King Pa and I have been trying to make this a cleaner and happier place, but we can’t do it ourselves. We shouldn’t have to do it ourselves. We need your help.”

The Princes and Princesses were surprised. Ma and Pa needed their help? They thought their parents had it all under control. But now that they stopped to look at the King and Queen, they could see how tired the two of them were. And so the family sat down to make some goals on how to make their castle the sort where their Father’s spirit could be.

It took some time, and a lot of work, but eventually the castle in the Kingdom of Best Valley began to be a house of order and cleanliness. Those who entered in could feel the spirit of the Father in that castle, and it made them happy. The Royal family made an effort to spend more time together and less time on other things. Even Queen Ma and King Pa did their best to make time for their children, and to spend that time doing what was right. Even Brianne managed to eat something other than Poppern. Up in the Kingdom in the Skye both Dalevid and Father were happy with what they saw.

Uncooked Rice and Plastic Eggs

No, I promise, this is not going to be a post about some weird recipe I found. This past Sunday a gentleman gave a talk in Sacrament Meeting and gave us an example of something I'd like to share with you today, as it's had me rethinking where my priorities may be skewed.

Think of a jar - large or small, doesn't matter. The jar is empty and the lid is off. Now think of two bowls. One bowl holds some uncooked rice, while the other contains some of those plastic Easter eggs (though this has nothing to do with Easter). Our goal is to fill the jar with both the rice and the eggs, and still be able to put the lid on when everything is filled.

First we put in the rice. It manages to fill our jar to a little over half. Next we take our plastic eggs and begin to stuff them into the jar. It doesn't take us long to realize we're not going to get all the eggs in. Way can try to stuff them in, but eventually they begin to crack and break. Nor will we be able to get the lid back on.

Knowing we need to rethink things we take the eggs back out of the jar and put them back in their bowl, and do the same with the rice. Being the absolutely brilliant beings I know we all are, this time we try putting in the eggs first. They fit perfectly into the bottle, but now is the true test. We take our bowl of rice and begin to pour it over our plastic eggs. To our amazement each individual piece of rice finds a little nook or slot to make a home. Sometimes we might have to shake the bottle to help everything find a place, but before we know it not only is there room for eggs and rice, but the lid fits on top as well.

Think of the eggs as the spiritual things in our lives, while the rice represents those things of the world that are necessary to keep us going, or we would just like to do. When we try to fit in all the secular things, we rarely have room for the spiritual. However, if we put the spiritual first, everything else will find it's place.

Life has been chaotic lately, not only for me but for so many I know. For myself, I have come to realize I've gained a recent "poor me" attitude. I've been so busy trying to take care of so many things for so many other people, my own spiritual needs have been slipping through the cracks. In other words, I've been filling my jar with rice.

This isn't to say the things I've been involved with have been unworthy causes. These activities and service provided certainly have merit. But when I begin to feel as though I'm being stretched too thin, the words of the counselor I saw last year starts running through my mind: you can't take care of others if you're not taking care of yourself.

And so I am forced to look at just how I am living my life lately. Here's what I've come to realize: no matter how fortified in vitamins and minerals, one cannot make it through an entire day on a bowl of cereal. Time to start eating better; even if the distance from the front porch to the mailbox feels like a mile, it does not count as a full day's exercise. Time to get moving; and no matter how much I ignore the laundry or attempt to master (or at least develop) the art of telekinesis, the laundry and bathroom simply will not do themselves. Time to get the house clean.

These are not difficult things to do. I managed a few loads of laundry today. My biggest problem is in recognizing where I really need to start. Reading the scriptures daily. I'm horrible at this. I can look and look and look at my Bible or Book of Mormon all day long, but it will do me know good unless I actually open them up and read the words. I need to pray more often. A few halfhearted sentences at the end of a very long day don't do me, nor my Heavenly Father, a whole lot of good. I need to begin my day with prayer, and keep a prayer constantly in my heart. I need to remember to ask for what I want and need. I'm fantastic about allowing things to happen as the Lord sees fit, but I always forget to ask in prayer for those things I want. And a request never sent out will simply not be fulfilled. Even if the request is for one little hour in which to read a book of my own choosing.

It is in the spiritual areas I need to focus on first. When I build up my spiritual reserves, the physical, emotional, and mental reserves will find themselves filled as well. All other things will naturally fall into place. I might have to shake things up a little for all my wants and needs to find a perfect fit, but it can be done.

So how about it? Is it time for you to take out your eggs and rice, and see where things really need to fit?

The Little Things

I have just returned from mowing my front lawn. This may not seem like something I should be boasting about. People have been mowing their front lawns for many a year before I was born. This one particular responsibility is not typically mine, however, and so the mere fact that I got outside to do something physical is in itself, noteworthy.

Since my extreme bout with depression many of the things I used to do with dedication fell to the wayside. Even as I am doing so much better there are certain things I have not been able to push myself to do. For example, the checkbook. I used to monitor the checkbook on a weekly basis. Any receipts would be promptly accounted for. Checks were cataloged. And the balance would be compared to what the bank actually claimed we still had. I could tell you within a few dollars just how much we had to spend. And once a month I would carefully reconcile all accounts.

For the last several months my husband has had to take over this job. I don't know what has changed so much, but the moment I would sit down to take care of things, like a trigger my mind would immediately rebel and I could not physically make myself do it. I hated to admit this, as my darling hubby had already needed to take over so many other things, but he knew and without a word he began to do what I could not.

Over the last few days I've been thinking about the little things we do to tell those we love the most just how precious they are. My children often utter the words, "You're the best", making my heart squeeze with joy. In return I've been trying to be better about finding little ways to let them know they're the best in my eyes. It's not always easy, as it means an awful lot of sacrifice on my part, but I can wholeheartedly testify it has been worth it.

This morning I have found myself with what my family has coined, "Mom's alone time." I've been trying to decide just how to spend it. There's definitely not a lack of things I could/should be doing. In fact there are about thirty things I should be doing besides sitting at the computer boring you all with my random thoughts.

I sat down to write today for one really big reason: I love my husband. And because I love him I chose to mow the front lawn so he wouldn't have to. It will be one less worry for the week. He has taken on so much to help me through some very difficult times - and that's not including all he's facing at work and church. But he's done it because he loves me as well. That's one of the most wonderful aspects of showing love: it's give and take.

I cooked dinner for my family last night. My hubby washed most of the dishes, then Mr. B took over and did the rest of the dishes. Miss M helped me to accomplish some things with our family home evening last night and Mr. J tidied up the living room. And what of Miss A? Well, she gives the best hugs ever.

Love is a wonderful thing, but those around us may not know we love them unless we put those four little letters into action. Don't just say the words. Live the words. Your actions don't have to be grand gestures. Sometimes the biggest ways in which we feel loved, are due to the little things.

As a Man Thinketh

Last night I posted on Facebook I hoped today would be spiritually filling. Never did I realize that not only would it fill me up, but I would struggle to figure out exactly what to choose for today's post. The children sang so well in Primary - even in the nursery! I found myself able to serve a sweet and overwhelmed sister by simply being a shoulder to cry on. I had a chance to go to choir practice today (something I haven't done in months) where we sung through one of my absolute favorite hymns. But it was the messages shared in our main sacrament meeting today that caught my attention the most.

As a child, a teenager, and young adult I used to love cloudy days. There was something invigorating about taking a walk or swinging at the park or even just sitting on my front porch in windy, storm like weather. I loved to watch the clouds rolling across the sky, see where they would try to touch the ground in a shower of rain, and most of all enjoy watching lightning streak across the sky.

Something happened over the years. Instead of enjoying the weather as I used to I found myself particularly depressed on cloudy days. It got so bad I would suffer the effects of seasonal depression through the winter months. I wondered more than once where my joy of cloudy, rainy days had gone.

The young, single adults in our ward (local congregation) have had a chance this weekend to attend a summit put on by the area leaders of our church. Men and women ages 18-30 were invited to attend a dinner and concert Friday night, a bunch of classes plus a carnival Saturday, and tonight there will be a spiritual speaker to tie everything together. My husband, as the leader of our particular ward, had the chance to attend as well. Today a few of those who went spoke to us in our main meeting.

Though the theme of the summit was "Find Yourself Through Service", most came away having been greatly influenced by one particular speaker (who had also been one of the entertainers at the concert the night before). He spoke about the way people think and how much it influences who they are and the way they present themselves.

The idea is simple enough: if you think negative thoughts you'll be negative. If you think positive thoughts you'll be positive. I believe the problem comes when we don't realize our thoughts are negative.

My therapist and I have discussed it a lot throughout my sessions. He's a big believer in our thoughts contributing greatly to the way we approach life. He told me our thoughts can come through so fast we may not even register what it was that just went through our heads. These thoughts are often formed during our childhood years, though the way the think about things can change (as mine did about cloudy days).

Dr. Jim gave me a copy he'd made of a bumper sticker he once found. It read: Don't Believe Everything You Think. That's right - believe it or not the things we think are not always true. We can even change the negative thoughts that come automatically by recognizing them when they happen. For example, someone makes a mistake. Their automatic thought is, "I'm so stupid. I can't do anything right. Might as well give up." If we see ourselves thinking along these lines it's time to stop, to rewind, and instead say something like, "I made a mistake. That's okay. I'll remember what I did wrong and try again."

Doesn't that sound easy? I think so. Give it a try this week. If you find yourself in a really bad mood and you don't understand why, do a little backtracking to figure out where the negative thought hit, then change the way you think. When you go to bed at night, review your day, let the bad thoughts go, and just remember all the good things. When you wake up in the morning, start your day with some positive thoughts. See if you find a difference in the way you approach your day, in the way you are able to handle your problems, and even the way you look at yourself.

This last week we've had some rainy weather. I could actually sense the dark feelings approaching. Instead of embracing those, I went outside and just stood in the wind, feeling it rush over me, and for the first time in many years I felt invigorated again. It was beautiful.

What Does Your Body Language Say About You?

I went grocery shopping this morning, not an unusual occurence. While there I was doing a little "people watching" as I went up and down a few isles, and one particular woman caught my eye.

She was heavier in her build, long, dark hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her skin looked fair and healthy, though her features held no expression whatsoever. But what really spoke volumes on how she felt was the way she stood.

Her shoulders were hunched forward and slumped down. Her head was also bent forward, as though afraid to glance up on the chance someone might actually notice her standing there. Every movement was small, hesitant. I wanted nothing more than to go over, take her shoulders, and push them back a little. I wanted to tip her chin up and raise the corners of her mouth to create a hint of a smile. Those three things would have made a world of difference.

I wondered how I looked as I walked through the store. I'm also heavier in my build, my long, red hair pulled back in a ponytail. This is where the similarities between the two of us ended. Though my skin may not be flawless I typically have a smile on my face. I prefer to keep my head up and shoulders pulled back as it helps my posture. And those three things perhaps make a load of difference in how I am perceived.

How do you think you are perceived? How do you hold yourself when you're out in public? Is it different from how you hold yourself when at home?

Just an observation :)

A Step in the Right Direction

Yesterday I took what felt like a big step in getting some help for my mental/emotional self. While the anti-depressants have worked an awful lot in the major depression problem, I'm still suffering from the serious issue of having a savior complex.

I want to fix everyone. I want to save everyone. And I can't. Which is just frustrating! Especially when they are coming to me with the hope I can "make it all better." In reality they know I can't. To some extent even I know I can't, but it doesn't stop me from trying.

Becoming the wife of an LDS bishop is not an easy role to take on. Some church members believe my husband tells me everything, and either avoid me because of what they think I think, or start talking to me as if I know precisely what's going on. Other people think I tell my husband everything they tell me, so either don't tell me anything or let on more than I wanted to know. Either way I constantly feel caught in the middle, or shoved aside.

I've had another run of everyone telling me their hardships, which I fully encourage as I know what it can mean to have just one empathetic person to talk to. But unlike my husband, who was given a very special blessing of being able to shake things off, I cannot do the same. When someone unloads their frustrations and hardships on my shoulders, they unwittingly leave a bunch of it behind. It sticks to me like molasses, and the more I try to scrape it off, the messier I get.

My husband can tell when I've been around too many negative situations. Just the other day he said, "When your friends are depressed, you get depressed." Very true. Yet, even knowing this is the effect being the shoulder to cry on has on me, I wouldn't change it for the world. I love being that person others feel safe to share their troubles. It gives me a sense of being needed, as though I'm helping in some small way.

But the truth is I need someone to help me deal with all of this. I'm not a counselor. I haven't gone to school to learn how to help others. Over the last two months so much has happened both within our own home and outside of it that I have felt more overwhelmed than ever before! I've felt way in over my head, and have been drowning far too long.

After receiving a priesthood blessing, and a few long chats with my mother, I finally made the call to LDS Social Services yesterday to see about getting in to talk with a counselor. They could have gotten me in tonight, but Tuesdays are always hectic for our family. So I've been put on a waiting list. It might take a few weeks until they're able to fit me in, but that's okay. Since I made the call I've been feeling very at peace, as though I've taken the right step in the right direction.

Funny this is, the sweetest remark given to me was from the guy at the insurance company I spoke with to see if I needed a referral first. As we were ending our conversation he said, "I really hope you'll be okay." Know what? Me too :)

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Some of you may remember my previous posts about the horrible experience I had with the salesmen of Dead Sea Cosmetics (I still shudder at the thought). Well, in case you were wondering if I've learned my lesson, let's hope today's post will be an encouraging one :)

Two days ago someone gave a few hearty knocks to the front door. I normally peek out the window to see who's interrupting my glorious solitude - well, as alone as one can get with a little one around the house - when said little one changed my plan by getting to the door first. My chest literally tightened when I saw two young men with clipboards in hands.

"We're not selling anything today..." were the first words out of the leader's mouth. You just know you're doomed when they say that. Of COURSE they're trying to sell something, otherwise they wouldn't have knocked on the door in the first place!

He began giving his spiel about needing to get in a certain amount of presentations done in a month and he realizes we all ready have a vacuum but could he just take a look...

The next thing I know he's pushed past me and is checking out my entire living room. So there I am with a stranger who went into my house without my permission with my little girl clutching my leg, when the other guy came in as well!

The first thing to go through my mind was my experience with the Dead Sea guys, and my ornery side went right up.

"You need to leave my house right now," I said, pointing to the door.

"But," he started.

"Nope. My husband is not home and I did not invite you in. You need to leave now."

The guy huffed and walked out. Had he not, my next move would have been to call the police.

Oh yeah, I've learned my lesson! Hopefully those guys have learned theirs (probably not, after all, they're salesmen).

An Awesome Poem

My sil Cathy gave me a copy of this incredible poem today, one she's shared with my oldest and many of her other nieces and friends. I'd like to share it with you today. I don't know who wrote it, so I can't give credit where credit is massively due, so if you happen to know please pass the name along.

Let me have the courage to believe in myself.
Not only on the days when I'm going great
And nothing seems impossible
But on the days when the world looks lousy and I'm losing.
And the road ahead seems too hard;
When I wonder if I'm brave enough, smart enough,
Strong enough and I must be crazy if I try,
Don't let me quit - Let me have courage in myself.
No matter how many people discourage me, doubt me,
Laugh at me, warn me, think me a fool...
Don't let me listen, Let me hear another voice saying,
"You can do it," ... and, "You will."
If no one else in the world cares or believes in me...
Let me have courage to believe in myself!

Warning: If You're Anything Like Me, Avoid "Dead Sea Cosmetics"

Before I go into what will stand out as one of the most frustrating experiences of my life, I need to explain a little something about myself. I am beyond non-confrontational. If there's a way to come to a peaceful end I will do everything in my power to make it happen. If you're mean or pushy with me, I will yell and scream at you in my head, but smile at you and apologize for my supposed injustices. Now, on with the story.

We have several birthdays coming up during the next six weeks, two being my dad and my daddy-in-law. Knowing there were some fun things on sale over at Valley Fair Mall, I headed on over with my littlest in the hopes of finding some awesome presents. And I did, hoorah! By the time I was done my littlest was ssssoooooo hhhuuuunnnngryyyy!!!!! So we headed down towards the food court in the hopes of finding an ice cream cone or other such treat to satisfy her growly tummy.

I was stopped just south of the customer service desk by a good-looking young man offering a sample of something. I'm not a huge fan of free samples as they tend to make me obligated to stay and hear what they have to say and odds are buy something. Therefore I declined with every intention of moving on, when the man said, "May I see your hands?"

Well that request stopped me in my tracks (my first mistake). I showed him my hands and he cooed over my nails, taking one of my hands and out of thin air (or a pocket in his apron) produced a buffer. He began to run this across my nail while talking to me about being from Israel and was I married and oh, I was? Too bad. Happily married? Darn. (Uh, yeah, 'cause I'm sure the sight of a chunky redhead with bad skin and a baby in tow was just too much for him to resist.) Of course, in order to see the effect of his buffing just right I needed to follow him over to his kiosk so we could see better. Was my nail buffed to a marvelous shine? Of course! Would I like to buy one of their kits so I might do this at home? Oh no - I really don't have the money, I say as I start backing away. At this point I realize he's still got a hold of my hand.

"Wait, wait," he says in his thick Israeli accent. At this point he begins to rub his fingers lightly over my face, analyzing it. "You have a beautiful skin, but you have the acne and a little bit of rosacea." So my skin is beautifully full of problems, I thought. When he asked his partner-in-crime, uh, I mean co-worker to put something on it I tried backing away again, as my skin is super-sensitive and I don't put anything on it I don't trust.

Telling him this he says, "Give me your arm." I didn't want to but he frankly still had a hold of my hand and simply turned it over so the underside of my arm faced up. At this point his cohort began rubbing some sort of gel on my skin. As the younger guy continued the master of manipulation held the little jar of his magical face gel really quite high up in the air - something he did more than once. I don't get why.

As he's telling me the virtues of this amazing cosmetic the other guy is now rubbing the gel into my skin. Can you say creepy? 'Cause that's what I was thinking. They cleaned the gel off my arm, applied a lotion, and told me to look at the difference between my two arms. Was there a difference? Oh yeah, but at this point I knew that if the tiny bottle was supposed to last me an entire year we were talking huge money.

Sure enough, that one bottle was two hundred dollars. Oh - you read that right! When you included the lotion it upped the price to three hundred dollars. Uh, no way mister!

And thus the haggling began. I tried to tell him over and over I couldn't afford it, my husband would never agree to it, I didn't like spending that sort of money on something I could live without especially when we were talking about birthdays and Christmas to buy for!

I should have just walked away - I know this now - but it's not in my nature to rudely walk away from someone. I was trying my hardest to give them a way out of the situation. "May I give you my card?" he asked. "Sure," I said, relieved we could leave it at that. I realized something was off when he pulled out a receipt book and seemed to write in it. What sort of "card" was this supposed to be?

"Wait," he says, as though inspiration had struck his brain. "What if I..." and the haggling went on. He offered deal after deal, conversing with his partner in English when it was convenient ("But we'll lose this much money if you do that"). I was analyzing their sale tactics even as they were being practiced on me.

It got to the point my littlest was pulling on my arm, begging to be taken for a treat. The haggling was going on and on until they finally came to a deal I could say yes to and not feel bad about until I'd taken at least five steps away from the kiosk. $102 later I held in my hand a bag of things I didn't want.

If only it could have stopped there. I stewed over this the rest of the afternoon. By the time my hubby got home I was pretty frustrated with how I'd been handled. The two of us went back to the mall to try and fix the situation. ONLY THEN did we see there were no returns. Oh no, this hadn't been pointed out to me. Sure it was on their kiosk - over the cash register in rather small letters surrounded by other things. Sure he'd written it on my receipt - but he never told me about it beforehand. So we couldn't return the stuff.

Do you know what the guy said (the co-worker) when we complained? "No one forced her to buy anything." I wanted to yell at the man! "I've never felt so pressured to buy something in my life!" I said, my emotions starting to get the better of me.

My husband and I headed over to the customer service desk to lodge a complaint. Of course it was there I lost it and burst into tears. The woman called over mall security where I signed a witness report, going into all sorts of detail about what happened. As I wrote everything out I began to see even more of their intimidation and manipulation tactics, and I just got angry. By the time we were driving home I was almost hyperventilating when I thought of the way the man kept a hold of me, towered over me, and touched me without permission. MAN it took a while to deal with all those emotions that night.

Today I'm feeling better about things. Just a few minutes ago I received a message from one of the mall managers, who is working to get a refund for me. I'd like to give the products back, as I am honestly not looking to cheat the company out of anything.

The security guy told me something I want to share with anyone on the off-chance you find yourselves accosted by someone like this: if they touch you without your permission, back away and in a loud voice say, "NO!" If they come after you again you have the right to push them away and immediately go to find customer service or security.

My biggest advice (especially as I've learned they're like this in many malls), do everything you can to avoid Dead Sea Cosmetics!

What's Your Season?

A few years ago I wrote an "article" as an assignment for the Institute for Children's Literature. It's never been published, but I got to thinking about it this last week as I went looking for a new shirt to buy. The fact I willingly went to spend money on myself was a miracle in and of itself. Finding a style I liked was even better. Too bad for me the everpresent problem of finding colors that match both my hair color and skin tone is for the most part impossible.

During the time I wrote the article I had a dear friend come to visit a group of young women to help them learn what colors would work best on them and why. One particular girl, we'll call her Ashley, loved the color green and would wear everything from Spring Green to Forest Green. Sometimes she looked great, other times she looked pale and hollow-eyed. We discovered she could still wear green, just not all shades.

It was for this very reason I wrote the article all those years ago. So I thought I'd do a little chopping of the piece and share some basics with you today. I especially encourage you mothers out there to help your girls (and even boys) understand these ideas as it can go a long way to helping them look their best long before they start begging to wear makeup (for the girls...NOT the boys). And men - don't poo-poo this idea 'cause it seems girly. Anything that can help YOU look your best should never be ignored.

Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter. Did you know every person has a season, and that each of those seasons contains colors to help you look your best, or worst? Believe it or not, the colors you most enjoy wearing could be making you look less than lovely.

To find “your season” it’s important to consider the tone of your skin, eyes and hair.

Is your skin creamy white or peach? Is your hair golden brown, blonde, or strawberry red? Add a dash of light blue eyes and odds are you’re a Spring. Look for warm and neutral colors with yellow tinges such as ivory, camel, peach, and coral. Eastery pastels are also extremely flattering. Accessorize with a touch of gold jewelry to top it all off.

Autumns have gold undertones in their skin. If you’re a redhead or brunette, with brown or green eyes, this is most likely your group. Think warm, medium colors: camel, beige, gold and dark brown to bring out the richness of your eyes and skin. Gold jewelry will bring out the gold in your skin. Autumns also look great in orange undertones as well. Pumpkin, rust, or mustard yellow paired with mossy or forest green can be stunning.

If your skin is pale pink you’re definitely a Summer. Typically you’ll also have fair blue eyes, and dark blonde or light brown hair. Summers should think cool pink and blue when picking colors. Lavender, plum, rose-brown and soft blue are just a few of your many options. A softer white, powder blue, or aqua can be perfectly complimented with silver jewelry.

What if you look best in dark, bold colors like black, navy or red? Is silver your best choice in jewelry? Sounds like you might be a winter.

Wintry skin can vary from pale white, to olive or dark shades. Your hair is classically black or very dark brown, and odds are your eyes are dark as well. If you’d like to wear lighter colors try some pale, icy tones.

Just as specific colors can compliment your looks, wearing those opposite your season will make you look tired or sick. They can emphasize dark circles around your eyes, or red in your face. Others can make you look too pale, or slightly green. Those who look good in cool colors – winter and summer – should stay away from the warm pastels and oranges of autumn and spring.

The good news is you don’t have to clean out your closet (not to mention your bank account) and start over. You can wear all colors as long as you place them carefully. Wear complimentary colors close to your face: shirts, jewelry, and scarves. Keep less favorable colors further away: skirts, pants, and accessories.

Of course the best way to figure out which season is your is to simply hold different colors up to your face. You might be surprised at what works to make you look your best, and what doesn't.

Raising Insecure Children in a Few Easy Steps

It's not an easy thing to do, you know, instilling a sufficient sense of insecurity in one's children. Especially when they're so confident to start out with. But I, the most extraordinary of mothers, have apparently managed it! Want to know my secrets? Today is your lucky day, as I'm ready and willing to spill it all.

You have to start early in life, like when they're first born, by doing everything for them. Of course they seem to expect this as a natural occurence so it's not too difficult to accomplish the first step. They key to heading into the second step is to keep doing everything for them!

This can be difficult, as too many toddlers are under the impression they can do things for themselves. One should certainly allow them to accomplish a few things, you know, to keep them from realizing what you're really doing. For example, I let my kids pick out their own clothes. But then I look them up and down, shake my head, and say, "Do you really think that goes together?"

Suddenly they're filled with doubt, ask Mom's opinion, and begin to rely on me just a tad more than before. Sneaky, I know. My methods are truly subtle.

As they get a little older you keep doing the same thing, but add a new level. Every time they ask to help, you allow them to do just a little, then suddenly take over when they think they're getting the hang of it. The next time they ask to help you shake your head and say, "Maybe next time, honey. I know what I'm doing and can do it faster." This way kids eventually stop asking to help and find themselves convinced Mom really can do it better and faster, and should continue to do so for the rest of her life!

Eventually kids begin to think their friends know more than their mother. I know...but kids are just silly. This can be used to your advantage as well, as their friends will utterly be proven wrong at some point. So the next step is a little more complicated, for you have to combine argumentative with patience. All the time you're chirping in your child's ear how wrong his/her friend is, you have to wait until that friend is (at last!) proven to be wrong. Or mean. Or more wrong! Then you can take your child in your arms and say, "See? I was right all along." Not only will you come across as loving, but your child will begin to realize in ways never to be proven before how much you really do know about the inner and outer workings of this crazy life. Dependance upon your constant wisdom will be secured!

The last step is to be all knowing. Not too hard for us moms, right? This is as easy as finding a missing shoe/backpack/book, etc. We all know kiddies aren't the greatest searchers (unless they're looking for your stash of chocolate), so the last step is to hide one of the shoes. They'll search their room over, becoming increasingly frantic, until your assistance is at last called upon. Then you swoop in, distract them by making them look under the bed, then magically find the shoe right underneath the blanket they've all ready searched. It's brilliant I tell you! Before you know it, they won't even bother looking under blankets. They'll just make a cursory search of the obvious, then immediately call you in for help while they finish watching the last few minutes of kids shows before school starts.

Before you know it, your child will look to see what you think of every outfit. She'll immediately change her opinion to meet your own on any subject. He won't even try to look for a missing shoe without first enlisting, then entirely depending upon, you! Your mission will be comlete. You will have an entire posse of children who believe they can do great things like sing in front of everyone at church, can even make their own bowl of Double Noodle Soup, but when it comes to basics like having enough confidence in his/herself to know he/she can ace a math test, read a book, or tie their own shoelaces, your mission will be complete. They won't be able to do any of it without your constant supervision!

I had no idea this was my ultimate goal, but I've apparently done a really good job of it. I just thought I'd pop in and share my wisdom with the world.

Setting Christmas Spending Limits

Two days after Thanksgiving my hubbs and I had taken our boys to look around Toys R Us. I know. Not the smartest move, but they wanted special time out with Mom and Dad and it's one of their favorite stores.

One of the first things we noticed was the amount of toys being piled in the carts, and these were not cheap toys. My husband and I looked at one another, both thinking the same thing: money problems abound yet parents are spending like there's no tomorrow.

This morning on my favorite local morning radio show they had a guest on, Dr. Matt Sellers (totally guessing on how to spell his last name). The good doc is a psychiatrist and one of his biggest points was on how not to disappoint your kids this Christmas if it looks as though you honestly need to cut back.

Point 1 - Be honest with your kids. Let them know money's a little tight this year, and that even Santa's had to cut back. Believe it or not, they'll understand. How do I know? Because we did this very thing with our kids about a month ago. We've never been able to give our kids tons, but we had to let them know that because we don't have daddy's second job anymore, beyond Santa's gift they'd be getting just one present from us (and their stockings). I was incredibly relieved, and utterly pleased, when they all said, "It's okay."

Let your children know everyone hits hard times. Everyone! Just because things are tight this year doesn't mean they'll be the same next year.

If things are bad enough you can't afford presents, talk to your kids about how there may be other families who are having very difficult times, or children who are in hospitals and won't even get to be home for Christmas, and then give them the option to be generous. Tell them Santa might appreciate being able to make sure these children/families get presents, because otherwise they might not get anything at all.

Point 2 - Make Christmas about so much more than presents. We frequently hear people complaining that this holiday is too much about the commercialism and not about the true meaning. Perhaps we've muttered the words a time or two ourselves. Now can be the year you put the idea of making Christmas about Christ into action. Now is the time to bring that peaceful spirit into the lives of your family. Look to making new and more meaningful traditions.

Bake cookies or bread and take them to neighbors in need. Go caroling. Look for free concerts. Check out all the houses decorated with lights. One tradition I hope to begin this year will be reading "The Forgotten Carols" with my kids (if you haven't heard of it, look soon for a review on Mel's Book List ;D). Read through the story of the birth of Christ. Try acting the story out. There are so many possibilities.

Point 3 - Be mindful of what you're spending. The good doctor said when we're feeling strapped, down and depressed, too many of us try to deny it and spend, spend, spend. Then come January when all the bills come due we fall into deeper depressions.

I have lived in denial when it comes to money. It's too easy to do. The thing we all have to come to realize is eventually denial is trumped by reality. It is so important to bite the bullet and deal with the harshness when it comes. Times are hard right now. That doesn't mean they won't be better by this time next year, or in two years. If we learn to be honest enough with ourselves, to recognize the need to cut back for now, we will be happier in the long run.

In other words, deal with the fact that spending less now will leave you more after the holidays. Sit down, look over what you have to spend, and stay within those limits! It really is just that easy (No Errin. Not even if it's on mega-sale).

Quick review: be honest with your kids, look to making new traditions to make Christmas more meaningful, and watch what you spend. Good luck!