The Little Things

I have just returned from mowing my front lawn. This may not seem like something I should be boasting about. People have been mowing their front lawns for many a year before I was born. This one particular responsibility is not typically mine, however, and so the mere fact that I got outside to do something physical is in itself, noteworthy.

Since my extreme bout with depression many of the things I used to do with dedication fell to the wayside. Even as I am doing so much better there are certain things I have not been able to push myself to do. For example, the checkbook. I used to monitor the checkbook on a weekly basis. Any receipts would be promptly accounted for. Checks were cataloged. And the balance would be compared to what the bank actually claimed we still had. I could tell you within a few dollars just how much we had to spend. And once a month I would carefully reconcile all accounts.

For the last several months my husband has had to take over this job. I don't know what has changed so much, but the moment I would sit down to take care of things, like a trigger my mind would immediately rebel and I could not physically make myself do it. I hated to admit this, as my darling hubby had already needed to take over so many other things, but he knew and without a word he began to do what I could not.

Over the last few days I've been thinking about the little things we do to tell those we love the most just how precious they are. My children often utter the words, "You're the best", making my heart squeeze with joy. In return I've been trying to be better about finding little ways to let them know they're the best in my eyes. It's not always easy, as it means an awful lot of sacrifice on my part, but I can wholeheartedly testify it has been worth it.

This morning I have found myself with what my family has coined, "Mom's alone time." I've been trying to decide just how to spend it. There's definitely not a lack of things I could/should be doing. In fact there are about thirty things I should be doing besides sitting at the computer boring you all with my random thoughts.

I sat down to write today for one really big reason: I love my husband. And because I love him I chose to mow the front lawn so he wouldn't have to. It will be one less worry for the week. He has taken on so much to help me through some very difficult times - and that's not including all he's facing at work and church. But he's done it because he loves me as well. That's one of the most wonderful aspects of showing love: it's give and take.

I cooked dinner for my family last night. My hubby washed most of the dishes, then Mr. B took over and did the rest of the dishes. Miss M helped me to accomplish some things with our family home evening last night and Mr. J tidied up the living room. And what of Miss A? Well, she gives the best hugs ever.

Love is a wonderful thing, but those around us may not know we love them unless we put those four little letters into action. Don't just say the words. Live the words. Your actions don't have to be grand gestures. Sometimes the biggest ways in which we feel loved, are due to the little things.

Oh No. Mom's Flirting Again

I was having an awesome day yesterday - just plain oodles of fun all around. It had been a lovely morning with the kids, we went to Costco for a cheap lunch and met up with my sweet friend Debbie, had a wonderful afternoon together, then decided to hit up McDonald's for dinner just so we wouldn't have to create dishes to wash.

My mood was up. And I'm talkin' WAY up. Make a bit of a fool of myself being silly, sort of up. So when the cute little male cashier was in a chipper mood as well we just started having fun bantering back and forth.

After paying too much money for food I didn't need, the family starting getting drinks and napkins and ketchup galore. We found a place to sit, daddy took the littlest to the bathroom, and M got a very serious look on her face.

"Mom, I'm gonna tell on you."

I had no idea what she could possibly be talking about. What did I do? Get her the wrong drink? Why did that constitute a bit of tattling? And precisely who was she going to tell?

"You," she said in a very serious tone, "were flirting with that guy."

WHAT!?!?! I burst out laughing. Then I laughed harder when I realized she was serious.

"I was not flirting," I firmly declared, but she would not believe me. Now you have to understand I'm not exactly known for my flirting skills. You can ask my husband. I'm way too open and up front, and will tell you directly how I feel. So the fact that my oldest thinks I have skills in this area doesn't exactly speak wonders for her future with boys (something I am far too happy about).

Rolling my eyes I went back to the front to wait for our food. The sheer idea of that boy (and let's be honest, he was WAY younger than me) thinking this pudgy, 30 (muffle) year old woman who has given birth to five kids and looks like it might be flirting with him almost sent me into another fit of giggles.

Whilst I waited my darling daughter did indeed tattle to her daddy, who - being the sweet, understanding, patient man he is - promptly began to tease me. And I - being the sweet, understanding, patient woman I am - began to tease our daughter.

By the end of the night I'm pretty certain M regretted saying anything about her mother flirting. In fact, if it were possible I'm also pretty certain she would have gladly dug a hole in the ground to hide until we were finished with the teasing.

When it was time to go we'd come to the conclusion it was time to start looking out for my next husband because my current one was obviously going to die soon. I was overjoyed he was willing to help me in my search. M declared she didn't want a step-father. Obviously this is something she's just going to have to deal with since I'm all ready on the look out for a replacement. It would also seem I'm on the prowl for a younger man with great cashiering skills and a bubbly personality.

So if you see me flirting with anyone, just beware. He could be my next victim. Mwooahahahaha...

A Fairly Scrumptious Baker's Dozen

Awww, how cute are they!!! This week my darling hubby and I celebrate our 13th anniversary. That's right, this remarkable man has stuck by my side for 13 flavor-filled years. Seeing as how this is my blog...I reserve the right to take a few minutes to be utterly cheesy, sappy, mushy, slushy, syrupy, mawkish and maudlin. In other words, I'm going to tell you 13 reasons why I absolutely adore this man of mine.


1. He's awfully nice. I mean really, really nice. Where others might be snappish or rude, he always turns the other cheek and gives people second, third, fourth and fifth chances.

2. He's tolerant. He has to be in his job, his calling in this church, as well as in having such a crazy wife and kids. Once again, where others might not be willing to put up with the utter insanity of life, he is. Continually.

3. He's compassionate. My husband has been compassionate his entire life, but oh my how I have seen him grow stronger in this trait as he has been a bishop. His ability to share himself with those in need has been extraordinary, not to mention felt by those whose lives he has touched.

4. He is an amazing father. Even though he's worked two jobs most of our married life and has had callings that take him out of the home even more, there is no doubt in the minds of our children their daddy loves them. He is willing to change diapers, help with homework, take them on bike rides, read together, and have tickle fights.

5. He helps around the house. Are all you ladies drooling right now? More than once he's cleaned the house when I wasn't up to it. He's done laundry. Now that he's home most evenings he'll willingly wash dishes. Not only this but he gets the kids involved where I might do it myself because it would just be easier. He'll cook when I'm not feeling well, and will even involve our oldest in the process.

6. He's a worker. It's inherited, you know. Those who are familiar with the Walker family know if a job needs to get done, they will do it and do it to the best of their abilities, something that was pounded into the minds of every Walker child since their youth.

7. He comes with an amazing family. I never knew what an extended family could be until I was warmly welcomed into this one. Aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews...I have learned so much from them all.

8. He is a humble leader. The best leaders are those who don't feel worthy of the position, who don't ask to lead, and who would willingly pass the job along to someone else. Because of this they work hardest to do their best in the hopes of not letting their boss's and those they serve down. My husband is one of these leaders.

9. He is dedicated and loyal. Even though he may be physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally exhausted, if something needs to be done he will push himself to do it. If there is a need he will fill it. I have watched him push his body beyond excruciating limits to get the job done.

10. He is ever aware of my needs. There are days when I'm just "done," and he knows it. On those days he'll take the kids away to grandpa's house, or kicks me out of the house, just so I can get in my "alone time." He also knows I need my creative outlets, and will move heaven and earth to make sure I have some way of following those pursuits.

11. He has dreamy eyes. Even after thirteen years I think his eyes are the most gorgeous blue, framed by fantastic lashes. Of course, being his wife, I'm the only one allowed to gaze into those eyes, so don't even think about it ladies.

12. He makes me a better person. He claims it's the other way around, but I just let him think that. the truth is he has helped me to stretch beyond my self-set boundaries, to increase in faith, and to spread my wings. He is my best friend and I am better for having him in my life.

13. And last, but certainly not least, after all these years my hubby still loves this off-the-wall, moderately hormonal, overly single-minded, sadly sentimental, excruciatingly chunky, has-probably-cost-him-a-million-dollars bundle of me. I'd say that earns him some kind of award!!!

"My Brief Life as a Woman

My friend LaDawn sent this article over to me, and I thought it was beyond brilliantlly written. The man involved had to have his testosterone hormones suppressed due to prostate cancer, and because of this he begins to experience many of the same symptoms as a woman who is experiencing menopause.

Trust me when I say as a woman, I both laughed and allowed the inner voice in my head to say, "Oh yeah!" I also believe that any man who reads this will definitely laugh as well as take a moment to think about and respect any woman who's having a "hormonal" moment.

My Brief Life as a Woman

Walking a Mile in Someone Else's Shoes

There is nothing in this world to help a person become more sympathetic to the plight of others than going through a similar hardship.

My husband has, for the most part, enjoyed a very healthy life. Not until the last five or so years has his body begun to show some very distinct signs of age. Poor guy. Suddenly a man who rarely took pain reliever when he was in pain has to take all sorts of meds to regulate things he's never had to worry about before.

The funny (and not ha-ha funny but interesting funny) is a lot of what he's been experiencing lately I've been going through for years. Like heart burn. I remember when he described the first time he had heart burn. There was almost panic in his eyes. But I'd been there...since I was a teen I'd been there. So I walked him through the first episode, we found out his was worse (acid reflux), and was so happy when he finally found something that would help take the daily pain away.

Then came the migraines. My husband had never experienced a migraine (I'm not sure if he'd really had a headache), and suddenly he's overcome with pain every single day! Fortunately, once again, he and the doctor were able to find something to help with the daily part. Unfortunately he still gets the occasional migraine, but occasional is definitely not daily, and for that we're so grateful.

The latest in a short line of odd things to go wrong with your body has been his trapezium (sp?) muscle. About two weeks ago he began hurting along the back, right side of his neck. Over time the pain has become increasingly worse and has spread into his back and shoulder, keeps him up at night, and is sometimes so painful he can barely lift his head. He headed into the doctor yesterday, who gave him a stronger pain reliever and a muscle relaxant. He slept very well last night, and is actually outside right now mowing the lawn because he feels better. Not great, but this is a man who'll work regardless of a 102 degree temp saying, "It's nothing."

I tell you all these things about my husband (and don't tell him I told you all this...he might not be as willing to share the intricacies of his life as much as I am) because I've watched him over the last few years gain greater empathy, in particular here in our little family. You see, shortly before he started getting migraines our oldest had them as well. Not daily, but bad enough they would make her throw up. Suddenly my husband found himself with greater patience when she began to complain. And now that our younger son has daily migraines, my husband is even more willing to help find something to make the pain go away.

With his acid reflux and heart burn, well it probably seems silly, but he has an idea of what I've lived with most of my life. Now when I say I have heart burn, he's much more understanding of the pain I'm experiencing.

This last little "glitch" in the body has sure thrown him for a loop, but it's something I've had happen at least once or twice a year for the last several years. Again, he now understands a little more why I've been laid down flat for a day or two when I have it.

So compassion is certainly my husband's lesson. But I've certainly gained one as well. If this awesome man of mine had not been the sort of wonderful man he is, I may have spent each episode crowing, "I told you so!" Fortunately for us both he's never been the sort of person to lack compassion for the trials of another, even if he couldn't personally understand what they were enduring.

For me the lesson has been a realization that instead of being the person who stands back and feels justified that someone else really understands what I'm experiencing, I have instead said, "Okay. I know what you're going through. So let me use my past experience in helping you out."

We will all eventually walk a mile, or even just a few feet, in the shoes of another. In that time we have a chance to learn compassion, and will hopefully gain a friend in the process.

Happy Mama is Back, Baby!

First and foremost, I want to thank everyone who has reached out with a hand of prayer, love, and support. You have no idea what this has meant to me, especially when I wasn’t feeling myself.

I am happy to report things are much better these days. I went into the doctor and told him some of my biggest problems with the depression: intense fatigue, constantly crying, never feeling really happy. We also talked about how long it’s been going on and what might be some of the causes.

He recommended three things. The first was some medicine. He was a pharmacist before he became a doctor, so I trust him to know his medications. He opted to put me on Celexa as it would help with the fatigue as well as uplift and even out my moods.

Oh baby did it ever! I’m happier than I’ve been in about a year! Though the doctor said it might take a full two weeks before I see much of an improvement my whole family noticed a difference the very next day. I was laughing again, and it wasn’t forced. I was smiling again and it reached my eyes. Even my mom, who talked with me over the phone, said she could hear it in my voice.

I wasn’t faking happy any more!!!

There’s been one drawback to the meds. One I hope will eventually go away. Nausea, coupled with an intense gag reflex, has attacked with a vengeance. At first it was just for a few hours after taking my pill. Yesterday it was all day long. Suddenly I’m experiencing flash backs to pregnancy days. I can understand why a friend told me she lost a good bit of weight while on it…she may have been sick to her tummy for a few years, lol.

I’m still struggling a little with fatigue, but it’s not the so-tired-I-can’t-move type. I’ve only needed one nap in the last five days, and that was after a bad night with my skin. I go back into the doctor in another two weeks to see how things are going.

The second thing he recommended is counseling, in the hopes of finding some good coping techniques when I start to get too stressed or whatever. I definitely want to try, though I feel quite a bit nervous about finding the right someone to talk with. This’ll have to wait for a month or so until the kids are back on track at school. For the next few weeks I want to reintroduce my kids to Happy Mom.

The third thing he recommended was taking time out for myself, even if it’s just for a half-hour a day. I laughed a little as he named off a few things I could do: read a book, get out and take a walk, find a hobby to work on. I’ve constantly got a book in my hands, I tend to do my walking in the morning outside on good days and inside on bad days, and I’m overflowing with hobbies. I even get time all to myself come nighttime when everyone else has gone to bed.

The person I want to thank the most is my husband. It’s never easy being the one who endures the hard stuff, but just as bad is the person who stands helplessly to the side, wishing to make everything better and unable to do so. My husband, who already works harder than almost anyone I know, did everything he could to help me out. He washed dishes, helped the kids with homework, cooked dinner, helped clean the house, allowed me to sleep when it was needed, and simply became SuperDad during the last several weeks. I am so glad I was able to pull out of this so he could focus more on work (which is crazy busy this next week) without worrying about what was happening at home.

If ever there was a woman who was truly blessed by family and friends, it’s me. Happy Mom.

Getting Good at Faking Happy

These last two months have been difficult for me on an emotional level. I've been slipping slowly into a depressive state, though it has not been as bad as many people I know who suffer from it. This last week has been especially difficult, made more so as we receive more and more bad news from those around us.

For most of the year I do really well. I have no problem handling life, and can do it with a sincere smile. Twice during the year, however, I find myself having to fake happy. I put the smile on my face, but if someone looks close enough, they'll see it doesn't stretch quite far enough. For the sake of my husband, for the sake of my children, I push myself to appear normal, but all too soon my neatly stitched quilt of sanity begins to unravel.

My wonderful husband is always the first to recognize the signs. I can tell he's seeing cracks in the carefully crafted glass wall I start to put up when life becomes too overwhelming. He begins to ask me if I'm okay...a lot. He notices my hesitation to leave the house, my inability to laugh at simple things, and the need to spend endless hours losing myself in books where I'm taken away from my own life for a little while. He begins to volunteer to do my own self-imposed chores around the house, as I have no energy nor desire to do them myself. Then he asks me more what he can do to help.

I don't know if I'm your typical depressive, if that's a word. Instead of withdrawing completely, as is my natural instinct, I push myself to seem okay. I'll do things with the kids I normally wouldn't think about doing during my normal days just because I'm worried they'll feel neglected. I end up placing so much pressure on myself to "shake it off" and throw myself into doing more, more, more so that no one will worry. This, of course, is out of character and so people worry regardless.

Another thing that's hard to cope with is the fatigue. I could sleep nine hours and still wake up exhausted. I could go for a few hours during the morning and need to take a nap during the afternoon. I hate naps. When I take one several days in a row, something's not quite right.

This last week I had a pretty big break down. I spent most of the week weeping with occasional sobs flying through the day. My poor children don't know what to think during these episodes. My darling husband is at a loss to know how to help me feel better. Heck, I don' t even know how to help me feel better. But talking about it helps.

I've talked with several people about it over the last few days, and I feel my mood lifting. Is it because I'm finally acknowledging what I've spent so much time hiding? Does it have to do with allowing others to take a small portion of the emotional load off my shoulders? I don't know. Though I'm feeling pretty good right now, I'm fully aware that tomorrow I could break down all over again. I can feel how hard I'm working to hold it all in right now. But it is better today.

I do find, during these times, my Heavenly Father knows how to help me in little ways. I get phone calls from friends and family I don't normally hear from. I get surprise visits like I did this last Sunday from a good friend, who was visiting from California (it was so good to see you Brent! you have no idea what a blessing you were to me that day. And we missed seeing LaDawn and Brook!). My husband comes home from Sunday meetings with compliments from church members, who say they love to sit next to me when I sing, or some kind words from a former youth who asks if I'm still writing amazing letters as I wrote to her during some difficult times.

At the same time I recognize Satan is working hard to keep me down, as he did when my oldest had a horrific experience because of the choice of three girls who were just "having fun" at the swimming pool. Just when I think I'm at my lowest, he finds a way to bring me lower, to snatch the brief moments of genuine happy I have grasped in my white-knuckled fists.

All through it, though, I'm ever aware there is something more to look forward to. There is joy I know will be given to me in spades. Every time I go through these awful spurts of despair, there is something more to be gained when it finally passes. It is written that "Men are that they might have joy." Happiness, pleasure, these can be fleeting. Joy - the joy promised to those who remain faithful even through the horrific parts of life - is what helps me cling to the end of my rope and swing.

I have no doubt in my heart, my mind, or my soul that one day soon I will experience great joy. If it means I have to deal with periodic depression, the sort that leaves me recovering for weeks when it finally lifts, then so be it. I also realize I'm blessed to be able to help others who may suffer from this same affliction. There's nothing like knowing someone's going through something similar to your own experiences.

It certainly won't stop me from appreciating all the prayers you can send my way.

Girls Hittin' on My Hubby

My husband joined the young single adults in our ward (local congregation) over this last weekend for a big conference being held at the University of Utah Institute. For those who are unfamiliar why a married man would choose to do so (I'm laughing inwardly at the thought), my husband is bishop in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (nicknamed the Mormon Church). A bishop in our Church is the equivalant of a Pastor or Reverend, only they're called for a few years at a time and are not paid.

I will also insert here that though we've been married over ten years he's never had a wedding ring. As a chef he's always been worried about losing it, and we've never really looked into getting once as there have always been more important things to put our money into, like clothes for the kids.

Friday found them having a little dinner and concert, where they all received their bright orange wrist bands required to enter all other activities.

Saturday they had the opportunity to attend several different workshops over the course of several hours. My darling hubby lost track of the others in his group, and ended up sitting on the grass to eat his lunch.

This is when two lovely young ladies came to join him. They giggled, they simpered, they asked if he was going to the dance later on that night.

Hmmmm.

My significant other said he felt really bad that he had to inform them of not only his marital status and progeny waiting patiently for him at home, but of his being a bishop as well. He is pretty young for a bishop, being in his 40's, and he's always seemed younger than his age.

Still, that man needs a wedding ring.