Sunday Inspirations November 2, 2008

I like to think of myself as a happy person. For me joy can be found in making others laugh, feel loved, and find the good in themselves. I like to give to others in the hope they recognize the spirit in which the gift is given. When others do the same for me, I try to let them know how grateful I am for their thoughtfulness. I truly enjoy making the world a little brighter.

With this in mind, I woke up this morning ready to cry. I started crying once I got to Church and my tender husband took one look at my face and said, “Is everything okay?” I promised myself long ago I would always do my best to be honest with him about my feelings, and so I shook my head and fought back the tears. Unfortunately there wasn’t enough time to talk (the poor guy is still at the ward building wondering what’s up with his wife).

I cried all through Relief Society, then calmed down a bit during Sunday School. The moment I settled down with all the kids in Sacrament Meeting the tears began again. I got myself under control until hubbs bore his testimony, and said some beautiful words about me. The end of the meeting drew near so I once again wiped aside the tears, and after the closing prayer they started up again with one concerned word from a dear sister who noticed I didn’t seem to be doing very well three hours earlier at the beginning of all our meetings.

I suppose, when you spend so much time being happy, a day spent in sadness comes through loud and clear.

About half an hour ago another sister stopped by. I’ve known Sister A____ for twelve years now, was her visiting teacher for about a year, and she has been our Gospel Doctrine teacher for many years now. She is a spiritual giant who is never afraid to acknowledge her faults, and I think she’s about to become my ward mother. She has taken me under wing, so to speak, and given me a huge blessing in the process, by reaffirming a message from my Heavenly Father and my Brother, sent to me through another friend.

I mentioned this message last week before relating my talk. He told me I was like a pen without any ink. I still had many words to write, but hadn’t refilled myself. Sister A_____ compared me today to one of the 10 virgins, though in an unusual way. She said I’m good at sharing my oil, at things spiritual. But my oil is getting thin and I need a refill.

Does this sound like any of you? Are you so willing to give and love and share and bless, but you don’t know how to refill your own pen or lamp?

I keep thinking there’s something I’m supposed to be doing right now, but am missing the mark. I’ve either pushed it aside thinking ‘not now,’ or I wasn’t paying attention and skipped it altogether. My hope over these next few weeks is to put things back in their proper order, and to figure out what I need to be doing.

The second reason for my overly emotional state was also pinned down by Sister A____, but it has a wonderful trigger. My husband and I have been married for twelve years. For most of those twelve years he’s worked two jobs, as well as accomplishing to the best of his abilities whatever calling (job) in the church that’s been asked of him. Translation: not a lot of time together. By the end of the day we’re both tired. I try so hard to pick up whatever slack I can around here when I know he’s exhausted. He tries to pick up whatever slack he can when he notices I’m done in. Our main concerns have always been making sure the other isn’t feeling too overwhelmed.

A huge blessing was given to us this last week. For about a year his bosses have been rearranging things. They came to him and offered the position of Head Chef, with a raise big enough for him to (with faith and confidence) quit his second job! We’ll get daddy home at a decent time of the day. He’ll be there to help with dinner, dishes, homework, and kids. Neither of us can wrap our minds around this concept, as it’s been far too long.

When Sister A_____ heard this, first she offered a prayer of thanks, then she looked hard at me. “You’re like me,” she said. “We’re strong women, good in a crisis, ready and willing to do what needs to be done. It’s when the crisis is over that we finally fall apart.”

You have no idea how light I felt with the truth of those words! I feel like the crisis is over! My husband will be home! My children will get to see their daddy for more than just half-an-hour before bedtime, and he’ll actually have energy! The blessings far outdistance anything we’re being asked to give up. So now I fall apart :). Hopefully when my wonderful spouse gets home from his last meeting I’ll be able to give him a reason to smile.

What would I say is the message behind all of this muddled mess? I don’t believe you have to look too hard.

Heavenly Father loves us. He knows us. He is ever aware of our thoughts and feelings, and will send others to bless us with all we need. I now have a little angel sitting above my head with my new ward mother’s name etched on it, given to me so I might remember how much I am loved. There is so much more for me to think about when I see the little smiling face: I see my Heavenly Father reaching out to me through the words, hugs, and service of one of His beloved children.

I know that when I’m done falling apart, I’ll be ready to pull myself back together, looking for a way to be such a blessing to someone else.