Friday, October 17, 2008

The Morning After

I tend to get gloomy come nighttime, especially these last few months. Is it due to my recent bout of depression? Probably. Could it have something to do with the kids being in bed and finally being able to hear myself think and the only things my brain has enough power left to think about are the awful, unjust, overwhelming things of this world?

Dunno :) Maybe.

All I do know is I can work myself into quite a state of anxiety and sadness at the end of the day, no matter how swimmingly the previous 16 hours went. I think it has something to do with my over-active imagination. My Heavenly Father blessed me with quite a whopper. I often think if people could understand all that went on in my head, they'd probably turn tail and run, lol.

Of course you get a fairly good idea of what goes on in my head through this blog. So for those of you who are sticking it out with me (and can look me in the eye without screaming or laughing), fervent thanks.

I think a lot about my children (it's easier to wish for good things for them when they're not in my face telling me how huuuuuungry they are all the time, even after they just had dinner!). I think about current social and political issues (which makes me laugh as I spent most of my life up through my 20's avidly avoiding anything remotely political). I think about friends from years ago and those current. I think about my husband, and the enormous load he carries on his shoulders. I think about our church and at times feel overwhelmed in wondering how on earth the members can all be helped. I think about what the future might hold for my kids as they get older, and cringe at the wicknedness in this world that doesn't seem to be letting up, only growing worse. I think about the young women I teach, and mourn for those who are unable to make choices that will make their lives better. I think about the young men in our ward and the outright temptations being constantly shoved in their faces. I think about my role in this life, and how I'm struggling to feel as though I'm an important part of anything, even though deep in my heart I know I'm doing what needs to be done at this time.

Do you see what I mean?

Fortunately there's a great remedy for all this doom and gloom. Something I believe Heavenly Father blessed us with knowing there would be those like me who couldn't resist delving into the deeper end of the self-pity pool: the morning after.

I awoke this morning, after being up rather late last night, with a happy household. I cleaned the bathroom. The first of four loads of laundry made it into the washer. My boys are currently pretending to clean their room every time I come to check on them, so far without any argument. My oldest put away a good majority of her laundry before a migraine attacked, and my youngest is entertaining me with occasional "high five" request. I've updated the checkbook, had a beautiful and much needed e-mail from my sil Ellen (who is often inspired to give me these little e-mails), and look forward to having my husband home in just over an hour as UEA doesn't require him to be at the school today.

How grateful I am for the morning after.

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